Reconstruction
by Pearl-and-Locket
Summary: After returning to district twelve Peeta and Katniss grow together, but the road to is long and rocky. This to me is just a story how that happened. Warning, mature for a reason. I OWN NOTHING.
1. Breakdown

**I'm new to this website and this is my first story so please bear with me, I wrote this simply for fun, and to the people reading this I assume you have a similar mindset, especially about the ending. Anyway, reviews and comments would be totally appreciated, I just want to know how this story is. Thank you to anybody who reads this and I hope you enjoy it =D**

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><p>-Chapter 1: Breakdown<p>

I've come to realized that life won't slow down. That I will never truly get a chance to stop and think and breathe and sort through my emotions, no, not without losing every other function necessary for my survival.

I've come to realize that life is not for the weak, the world is just much too cruel, and my sadness is replaced by something deeper, it collects in a pit somewhere in my body, and all that precipitates is anger. And I am angry; I have every right to be. This world has taken everything from me. It took my father before I ever experience anything substantial, it took my mother twice from me, it took my sister, my Prim, the one I sacrificed everything for. Prim.

I have to stop.

These thoughts are just too much, I have to stop before I lose myself and plummet into insanity.

But I don't, not at this hour, not with this insomnia, not with this rage that is building inside me. Instead I allow the thoughts to consume, and recount, one by one, every single thing that this world has taken from me. It took my family, it took Gale, it took Finnick, it took my home, my town, my neighbors, it has taken friends and enemies alike, and left me to deal with the guilt and sorrow, Rue, Mags, Cato, Foxface, Wiress.

I can't stop, the deluge of loss cannot be stopped. This world has taken ABSOLUTELY everything, EVERYTHING.

I'm out of bed, thrashing around the room knocking over everything I can, lamps, chairs, the bedding. I open the closet and start to punish the faultless clothing. Surely even they have taken from me somehow. This world and everything in it has done nothing but hurt me, it has taken my joy, my sadness, my ability to choose. This world has taken everyone from my side and left me to pick up the pieces. Even Peeta, who is so close, has been taken from me.

Suddenly I stop; I look at the room, the aftermath of my rage, and decide to shower. In the bathroom I am enveloped in a cocoon of warm water, but the clarity and peace was only temporary, my mind begins to spiral once more into the chaos.

In an attempt to regain control I begin to recite:

"My name is Katniss Everdeen…" but it's not enough, I am too deep into the madness, and so my mind continues, "My name is Katniss Everdeen, I have lost everything, I lost laughter and gained tears, and pain has completely replaced pleasure."

At that moment it all stops, and I know exactly what to do.

I step out of the shower and hastily dry my body, I run past my room, down the stairs, and grab my hunting coat before walking out the door.

There is no doubt in my mind, I'm going to take something from this world, and nothing can stop me.

As I pound on the door, a slight breeze overtakes me, the night is cold, too cold for spring, but I only grip my jacket tighter for comfort.

The door opens cautiously, and as always, I am greeted with a pair of piercing blue eyes through the crack before the door is fully opened.

"Katniss?" says Peeta slowly. But quickly realizes that something is wrong, since I am wearing only my hunting coat.

"Katniss, whats wrong. Are you alri—" before he can finish his sentence I release my grip on the jacket and reveal myself to Peeta. His face registers only alarm as he grabs my coat shut and drags me into his house. He sticks his head outside and quickly and assures himself that no one else saw, even at this late hour, before closing the door and turning to me.

"Katniss what the hell are you doing!" finally the realization of what has occurred must have set in because his face is redder then I ever imagine possible for a healthy individual. "What happened? Why are you dressed like that?"

I ignore his questions, and slowly walk towards the kitchen, analyzing every inch of the room.

"Katniss!" he shouts as I prop myself on his kitchen counter, and cross my legs casually. But as he storms into the kitchen and walks towards me I once and gain release my grip on the jacket, and uncross my legs slightly. He stops in shock, dead in his tracks. His face becomes as red as before and he can't seem to find a safe place to rest his eyes on so he stares at the floor and continues to walk towards me, cautiously.

"Katniss, I don't know what's happened but you need to get a grip. What is going on, why are you here… like this." I jump off the counter and rid myself of the jacket. And as I approach him I say "Because it's my turn."

His sight breaks from the floor and his eyes meet mine, face red as ever. "Your turn for what Katniss?"

"My turn to take something back from the world."

He is confused but still reacts defensively to my touch, and as I slide my hand under his shirt, slowly travelling upwards, and place my other arm around his neck, he jerks back with the same elevated agility that he used to pull me into his home.

"Why are you doing this" his breathing sharp, and staggered.

"I told you, I'm going to take something back from the world. Something it took from me." I say with a sheepish smile, before closing the gap with a kiss.

His hands cannot find a place to settle on my body, but slowly, as he struggles to break free from my embrace, I can feel his movements settle. He can no longer fight it, as his last shreds of will power disappear. Knowing this I grab the waist of his pants and drag him across the kitchen, up the stairs and into his room, where I throw him onto his bed, and he lays in wait, staring obediently but prepared to devour every aspect of me.

Slowly I settle my naked body onto his and watch his eyes travel across the contours of my figure. And he sees all of me, my face, neck, shoulders, my breasts, abdomen and hips, but his eyes dare not travel lower, he sees all of me, scars, and discoloration, but still will not travel lower than my hips. So instead I begin to undress him, shirt pulled over his head, pants pulled gently but hastily off his body, and when he can no longer hide his excitement his face returns to the unnatural red.

I place his hands on my breasts and as he sighs as I softly moan, I pull his underwear off with my feet, making sure I brush my legs against him as much as possible. And I am rewarded with a soft medley of slight gasps and groans. But before continuing he props himself upwards, grasping my shoulders tightly and locking his intense blue eyes on mine. His face barely registers anything other than desire, but I know what he means, "are you sure?". I respond simply with a smile, and as releases his grasp I know for certain that any inhibitions are gone from his mind, the Peeta that is in front of me is a creature of lust and desire, of passion and pleasure.

Swiftly he flips me over and takes control of the situation, as he lies on top of me I am met with a barrage of kisses, intimate, heavy, and traveling, slowly but surely. On my neck, shoulders, breasts, abdomen, navel, and finally a strong sensation overtakes my entire body.

I shut my thighs on his head in shock, but this does not diminish his determination. He grabs my hips roughly and presses forward until resistance is impossible, the sensation overtakes my legs, and I release, he laughs triumphantly before inserting his index inside me. And in that moment, I lose myself completely, he can and may do as he wishes with my body, and I have no power, or desire to prevent him from taking me over. I lie back and relish every light thrust from his hands and every contact of his lips and tongue. My breathing quickens my abdomen contracts lightly and repetitively and I can feel my legs moving without my consent. I can't control myself. "Pe-" I struggle with the words, but the gasps, and moans overtake my throat, "P—Peet-" I struggle once more but he will not cease. I can feel his lips smiling as they meet my flesh, his fingers exploring and claiming me as his, faster, and faster, until my body is not mine, from head to toe I am nothing more but a reaction to his touch, enveloped in bliss. I reach down and grab his hair aggressively, as a dominant moan escapes my throat.

He stops, climbs on top of me, and as the moonlight hits his face I see his eyes, sharp and focused, piercing me to my core. Sweat trickles from his forehead, down his neck towards his body, his blonde locks sticking to his skin. I extend my hands and place one behind his neck, pulling him in for a kiss, and place another on his lower back, inviting him to take all of me for once and for all, my hips, thrusting with longing and anticipation.

I am met with a brief discomfort, and he withdraws slightly as he sees my reaction, but thrusts forward as pleasure takes over his body. All I can do is stare at his face, as his back curves and his hips become one with mine. Soft leathery strokes and sharp explosive thrusts send me deeper and deeper into euphoria. This Peeta is a person I never knew, lewd, and conquering. An animal that has the capability of destroying me with sensations I didn't know I could have. His hands have changed, from the gentle hands of a baker which could not find a home on my body to those of a master, commanding the landscapes of my body as he fastens my legs to chest with one arm and locks my hands over my head with the other. I feel powerless, defenseless and vulnerable, and he knows it, but this side of Peeta is enjoying it, the knowledge that at this moment he controls all of me with only a simple jerk of his hips. And he uses his new found power, thrusting deeper and more intensely every passing second. Once again stripping me of my ability to speak, rendering me into a vessel, being filled quickly, dangerously past the brim. And as I'm dangerously close to overflowing with pleasure, I lose control of my mouth once again, "P—Peeta-" dragging on the last syllable "Pe—I ca— I'm—". He thrusts deeper and harder than before and wraps my legs around his waist, the sensations travel deeper in to me.

"Pe-Peeta—I'm—I" he grabs my wrists and again pins me against the bed, he places his mouth against my ear and tells me "N-NO, Not yet, you're mine so not yet." I lose control.

He pulls me up placing my arms around his neck. And with his hands on my waist he pulls himself to a half sitting position, thrusting aggressively and jerking my body, up and down, his pace hastens and I can't hold on any longer, he can command me all he wants but my body cannot hold this feeling, waves of pleasure wrack my body, intense and piercing. I lock my fingers in his hair and pull his head back. I kiss him passionately and bite his lips, drawing blood. Moaning, panting, gasping, unable to hide anything from him this has become the only form of communication that my body can create, and his body reacts the same, but he doesn't stop, even as we fall back into the bed he won't stop, his body completely overtaken, and so I scream, and moan and groan, louder and louder until he joins me and our bodies give out, consumed by bliss, pure and powerful. I stare at his face as he settles next to me. Breathing erratic, mouth open, eyes triumphant, his arms surround me and for the first time, I feel happy, far from madness and sadness, emptiness and rage. I sleep in his arms exhausted, safe and satisfied. I took something back from the world, and I couldn't be happier.

The next morning I awake to a sleeping Peeta, and I realize what has happened as I see his naked body. I move slightly and see as his eyes part open.

"So, did you get back what the world stole from you?" he says smiling.

I look at his face and place my hands on his chest and navel, and say bluntly "Yes I took back raw pleasure!"

He stops for a moment and pulls my hands away. "Katniss, why did you come here? What is it you were trying to get back?" He pauses and with a fearful look in his eyes he asks "Katniss was it me you were trying to regain? Did this mean something? What are you trying to tell me?"

His questions drag me back to a harsh reality, and I have no way to answer, "Peeta I j-" he releases my hands, and all color drains from his face, his expression numb. I try to reach for him but he pulls away, covers himself, and turns towards the wall.

I don't know what to do. I rise from the mess of sheets, and grab a pair of pants from the floor, I slip it on and race out of the room, find my jacket in the kitchen and grabbing on the all the loose articles of clothing run faster than I ever have, I reach my house, hopefully unnoticed and run straight for the bathroom, turn on the shower and cry.

I begin to recite for my sanity.

"My name is Katniss Everdeen. " I can't produce anything else, I'm not sure what just happened.


	2. Aftermath

**This chapter is much shorter, and I wanted to make it longer but I felt that it would drag on if I didn't cut stop there. So major change of pace, and I want to explore the angst a bit, I don't know why but it feels natural to the characters. So anyway I hope this doesn't drive anyone away and hopefully enjoy. Reviews would be appreciated. And thank you to anyone reading this, writing isn't really my thing but I felt my head would explode if I didn't write this, its been in my head for soooo long. These books have me obsessed and that ending was like baaaam lol. Anyway...yeah. =D**

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><p>Chapter 2- Aftermath<p>

The day drags on excruciatingly slow, and no matter how many times I try I can't formulate coherent thoughts. Peeta haunts my head and once again I feel as if the world has taken something from me, but I can't figure out what. I lay in my bed, with the pants I took from his floor, folding and unfolding them. I placed them in hangers; stretch them out across the bed.

I stare at them ever hoping that an answer lies, interwoven within the cotton fibers, but no answers come. In my unease I realize that it is deep into the afternoon and I have yet to eat. I travel past the rooms carefully, making sure that my steps do not awaken the ghosts that rest within the unused rooms, and wearily travel down the stairs, dragging my feet with every step.

When I enter the kitchen I can't help but realize how similar it is to his, the counters, cabinets, and appliances, yet there is a sterile feel that predominates, setting a suffocating atmosphere. I forage through the refrigerator and take some fruits, and some leftover meat. It's not the best meal, but it will be more than enough. I take the food to the living room and eat, alone, in front of the fireplace. I stare at the embers that travel on the hot coal. But I have to look away, something as simple as coal has too many memories. It's been a long day, and as I struggle to swallow the small meal I scavenged I realize that I am exhausted.

I set my plate aside and fall asleep.

The nightmares that night are new. Peeta just stares at me. His face numb and expressionless, devoid of color, but his eyes are piercing. They stare at me and through me all at once. And no matter how many times I speak to him, or how loud I yell at him, he never acknowledges my questions. He just stares at me, pained looks, quizzical stares, his eyes speak volumes. They tear me down and build me back up until I can't take it anymore. So I run.

I run out of my house, past the Victors Village, past the destroyed square, ash and debris greet me and beckon me to run faster. So I do, as I run past the Mellark bakery I realize that I haven't managed to space myself from Peeta, and his piercing eyes that promise to destroy me with indifference.

I begin to choke on the ash, my breathing becomes staggered and I retch violently. Peeta just stares at me. Finally I give up, collapse on the floor and let the ash slowly fill my lungs, dry my throat and mouth. His gaze is unrelenting and as I feel my final breath, his blue eyes persevere as the world grows dark around me.

I awake calmly, no violent reaction, no screams, no sweat. But even before my eyes are fully open I feel the intense heat on my face. Trickling down my cheeks and settling on my shirt. But there is nothing to do. I stand up and just go about my day, lingering in the most menial tasks to pass the time. At times like this I miss Greasy Sae but it's not her job to support me, she has her own family to worry about.

Two days pass and I hear nothing from Peeta, I take this as a sign that he doesn't wish to hear from me either. Slowly the days start to gain momentum; I eat, shower, clean or stare into space. Often I consider visiting Peeta under the pretense that I wish to return his pants, but it's all too transparent, and I don't want to speak about what happened, not yet anyway. Instead I fold and unfold the pants, repetitively and robotically. Until I hear a knock on the door. My heart freezes.

I fold the pants a final time and rush towards the door, but before I place my hand on the doorknob there is an aggressive pounding on the door. I'm startled but I breathe and turn the handle.

"Pe—" I stop short.

The eyes that meet me are not those of Peeta but a drunken Haymitch.

"Listen girl!" he screams "I don't know what the hell you think you're doing but you better tell me where you hid my liquor" he stumbles forward as he accuses me.

Disappointed and annoyed I scream back "Go home Haymitch, you're so drunk you probably drank it all!" and before he can process what I told him I slam the door shut. He doesn't persist.

All alone once again I return to my routine, slowly doing daily tasks and folding and unfolding Peeta's pants. Several hours later I hear a pounding on my door. I rush to the door and scream "Haymitch I told you I don't have your damn liquor, back off!"

I am met with a sobered Haymitch "Forget that sweetheart we have trouble!" he signals me to follow and runs. It all happens quickly, that it isn't until I see him lying surrounded by bottles of liquor that I realize we are at Peeta's house. As instincts take charge I help Haymitch carry him to his room, it looks the same as that night, and I can't help but feel as if Haymitch is intruding into a personal moment, seeing first hand what we did. He doesn't belong here. "Haymitch I got it from here go get help please!" I say sharply. He gives me questioning glance but does not argue as he runs out of the house.

"Peeta can you hear me, stay with me, don't die!" there is no answer, so I grab his hands and cry, until I can't cry anymore, and my body becomes overwhelmed and exhausted by sadness. When Haymitch arrives with the healer he pulls me out of the room and whispers angrily.

"Spill it sweetheart what did you do." I instantly become defensive and yell at him "Nothing, you think I did this?"

"I don't think you tipped the bottle but that boy would never do something like that unless you did something to him. WHAT DID YOU DO KATNISS!" The sound of my name out of Haymitch's mouth fills the air around me. All I can do is walk away.

"He's not your toy Katniss, I don't know what you did and I don't think I want to know. But you have to realize that boy is only strong enough, even he has limits and you have no right to test them."

I stop and feel Haymitch's eyes in the back of my head. "You can go home Haymitch, go bury yourself in a bottle, I'll take care of things here." I am painfully aware that I have no right to judge his actions, but I can't let him have the last word.

I'm startled when he turns me and pushes me against the wall, making no sounds as he presses his palm roughly against my shoulder. "Don't test me Katniss, I'm not your little love puppet!" His eyes narrow menacingly as he speaks calmly and level headed.

Before I have a chance to answer he releases me and says firmly "I'll be back in the morning to make sure you haven't caused anymore damage" and walks silently down the stairs.

I don't move until I hear the front door slam. And even then all I can do is slide to the floor, my back press firmly against the wall of the corridors. The full force of Haymitch's words hit minutes later, so I do the only thing I can do, I cry, and cry, and cry, all my frustrations, fears, everything.

It's about an hour before the healer exits the room. She tells me he drank in excess and had a case of alcohol poisoning, it was a close call, and then she says the worst thing anyone could ever tell me at this point. "He's lucky he has someone like you."

I smile curtly, listen to her instructions, lead her out, and wish her well. I want to scream; instead I lock the door, carry a rocking chair to Peeta's room and watch him sleep. That is when I realize that I am exhausted and I don't fight it. I awake to blue eyes staring sharply at me, and for a moment I can't shake the feeling that I'm back in my nightmare.

He doesn't move, he doesn't smile, and so I am the first to speak: "How are you feeling?"

"I feel fine, please leave." He says calmly, and it hurts me, there is no anger or bitterness in his voice, this is not out of spite, it is what he really wants.

In a panic I ask: "What happened Peeta? What where you doing?" I pause, but I feel a great deal of urgency, as if he would physically evict me from his house at any moment, so I ask "What were you trying to achieve?"

My last question catches his attention and his eyes finally break their vice grip from mine as he chuckles and focuses on the ceiling of the room.

"I wasn't trying to achieve anything, don't flatter yourself" I wince as I see a twisted smile creep up his lips, its pained but genuine. I can't help but remember Peeta, the way he was after he was rescued; deep silence fills the room until he decides to speak again.

"I just decided to have a drink for every fake emotion you've ever shown me. I guess it was enough to knock me unconscious." His eyes find their way to my face, but they won't meet mine, I won't allow it. "Anyway you can leave now Katniss, I'm perfectly fine as you can see. Sorry to bother you." He flashes a fake smile and stares at the door to the corridor. But I don't move.

He stares at me, annoyed, and lets out an impatient breath, but when he realizes that I won't budge he turns away and covers his entire body with the sheets, the same as that morning.


	3. Damages

**So I'm totally addicting to writing this story, I can't help it. I didn't think it would be so enjoyable to write it. Anyway I hope you guys enjoy and reviews are truly appreciated. I hope to be updating daily if I don't get stuck on development lol.**

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><p>Chapter 3: Damages<p>

Haymitch stays true to this word, and when I hear the loud pounding at the door I welcome his interruption whole heartedly.

"That's probably Haymitch at the door." Peeta does not answer.

I brace myself before I unlock the door, taking deep breaths before the air becomes saturated with alcohol. When I open the door a sober Haymitch walks past me, no accusing looks, no stinging comments, he travels up the stairs and I hear the door to Peeta's room close lightly.

I don't follow Haymitch, I don't think I can deal with Peeta's eyes, or Haymitch's words.

I go to my house and take a shower, Haymitch's visit should give me enough time, I hope. Eating is out of the question but I decide to take some fruits from the refrigerator, maybe he's hungry. As I'm returning to Peeta's house I see the door begin to open, Haymitch gave me just enough time to return. I expect the same icy demeanor, but instead he stops at the door and waits for me to arrive. He looks me straight in the eye and tells me "You could do worse than him you know?" I don't have enough time to even nod before his face becomes annoyed, he breaks eye contact as he starts to slowly walk away and says "But that boy can do so much better than you. I'll be back tomorrow." Then his pace picks up and he is out of my vision.

I don't move, I don't cry, I don't do anything. I just stand there, I'm not angry at Haymitch, after all he's probably right, I never understood why he saw what he saw in me, even resented him for it at times. Still I relied on it.

I step inside and lock the door. Every step I take feels heavy, loud. I enter his kitchen, and it hurts, nothing looks different, it's the same as that night, not even a plate in a different place. I grab a bowl from a cabinet, slice the fruit I brought over, and fill the bowl, it's not much but I don't want to take more time in that kitchen than I have to be. I fill a glass with water, take a deep breath and make my way to his room. When I reach the corridor I see him exiting the room, the second he catches a glimpse of me he turns around and makes his way to the room, before he can close the door I say "Wait Peeta. Wait!" He stops just before closing the door, his back faced to me. "I have some fruit and water; you haven't eaten anything since yesterday. You have to eat." I say as I walk towards him.

He turns around surprised by my close proximity but stands his ground. He takes my offering flashes a forced smile and closes the door with his good leg, not giving me enough time to even force my way into the room. But there is nothing I could do, I travel down the stairs, into his living room. There are no memories to plague me there.

I settle in front of the fireplace and fall asleep, it's something I've been able to do lately become exhausted and sleep without any effort. I'm awakened several hours later by loud crashing noises, on instinct I jump up and survey to room for my attackers, but there are none. The sounds come from upstairs.

"PEETA!" I gasp sharply.

I spring to my feet, up the stairs, past the corridor to his room, but I can't enter, the door is locked. The noises are louder than before, shattering glass, grunts, and heavy objects on the floor. "Peeta!" I yell as I pound on the door. "Peeta what's wrong? Are you ok? Peeta!"

The noises stop. "Katniss, Leave! I'm fine just LEAVE!" the door shakes as he pounds it. I jump back, surprised but quickly regain my composure.

"Peeta" I say as calmly as I possibly can "Peeta please let me in."

"No Katniss! No! Not again!" I'm momentarily confused but I quickly become aware of what he means.

"Peeta." I say again, but the only answer I receive is a loud bang on the door. The door creaks and as I touch it I can feel him, back pressed against the door, his hands cradling his face.

"I'm not going to leave Peeta, I'm going to stay right here with you." And I rest my back against the door, trying to feel his presence. We stay several hours like that, unmoving, until I hear the deep breaths of a person who has been overcome with exhaustion. I let my exhaustion have the same effect and slip into sleep.

I have a strange nightmare, I see Peeta, standing in the middle of the meadow, sinking. But I don't do anything, and he doesn't do anything. We just look at each other as he sinks, slowly until the earth has swallowed him whole. I wake up sweating, my entire body thick and heavy, cold with sweat. And my hands are so moist and clammy. I pass my hand through my hair and forehead. It isn't until I see my hands that I realize they are covered in blood.

I pat my body aggressively looking for the source of the blood but I feel no pain, there is no wound. But when I stand I see the source, a thin shallow pool of blood peaking from the under the door.

I can't breathe, I want to vomit. I need to run away just like I did when my mother would have a particularly gruesome patient. But I can't. This isn't a patient.

"Peeta!" I yell as I finally snap out of my nightmare haze. "Peeta!" I pound the door aggressively, I kick it, I ram my body into it, but it's useless. His body is still propped against the door. I'm desperate, I resume slamming my fists against the door, leaving bloody marks, when I hear him. Deep quiet sobs, pained and tired.

"Peeta, open the door. Please Peeta let me in, PLEASE!" I yell at the top of my lungs, but I don't here the lock, all I hear is a quiet but desperate crying.

I run out the house, I'm not completely sure what to do but there is only one other person who can help. I pound on Haymitch's door, he opens the door aggressively bottle in hand. "Do you know what time it is! I sho—" he stops when he sees my face and terror fills his.

"He won't come out Haymitch, he won't let me in!" I say crying, flinging my arms insanely.

He drops his bottle and runs past me but before he is out range he screams "run to the square, the doctor lives on top of the clinic, it's just past the bakery!" I don't answer; I just let my legs take me to my destination.

Under every breath a sob escapes. I arrive minutes later to the clinic; I pound the doors and scream at the top of my lungs. I greet the doctor with a flurry of shouts, and pleas for help, one look at me and she doesn't hesitate. She runs inside and grabs several bags and medical supplies and struggles to follow me as I dash madly back towards Peeta's house.

She works for several hours, neither Haymitch nor I are allowed near the room. Instead we in the living room, me staring at the fire place, struggling to maintain my composure, and Haymitch, sitting on the couch, working through his drunkenness and starring daggers at the back of my head.

Its sunrise when the doctor comes down to meet us, before she speaks she looks at us, trying to figure out who she can talk to, but her options aren't good, an old drunk and a hysteric girl, decomposing in front of her very eyes. She stares at me for an extended period of time, squinting and widening her eyes in alarm before turning to Haymitch and saying "He's alive, hurt, but alive. What happened?"

Haymitch quickly turns to me, tips his head accusingly and says "Why don't you ask the songbird over there, she was here the whole time."

I break down, collapse to the floor crying. I know what happened but I don't understand it. I explain everything, how when Haymitch left I brought him fruits, how he was thrashing in his room, how he wouldn't let me in and how the blood was pooling under the door. The doctor seems satisfied with the explanation but thoroughly unhappy.

"I don't know why he's doing these things to himself," she pauses "but he's going to need support. Or maybe surveillance, I'll let you two decide what it is he needs." She goes through her bags and takes out a myriad of medical supplies, bandages, pills, vials of liquids. She gives a brief explanation of what do to with each and goes on her way, giving me one final quizzical look before exiting the door.

I'm making my way to the stairs when Haymitch blurts out. "Where you do think you're going" I turn around, genuinely confused, and say "I'm going to see Peeta."

Haymitch snorts and says "NO, you're not sweetheart, unless you're planning to finish him off yourself."

I stare at Haymitch, but the pain welling up inside me doesn't let me formulate a thought.

"Go home, I'll call you when I need you to change his bandages. For now I'll stay here."

I can't argue, but I won't let him see his words get to me. I turn around and leave, quietly closing the door.

My house feels alien, cold and dead. So much has happened, and I feel so weak. I decide to shower but I'm not prepared. I catch just a glimpse of my reflection on the bathroom mirror, but it's enough to send me into frenzy.

I stand, pale and wide eyed, covered in Peeta's blood. It's in my hair, on my face, on my hands and soaked into the fibers of my pants. I dash into the shower and turn on the hot water. I rip the blood soaked clothing gagging and finding it increasingly hard to breathe. The blood runs of the pants and off my skin, darkening the water as it drains near my feet. But it's not enough; I grab a body sponge, scrub my skin forcefully, and wash my hair wildly. And as the thoughts pop into my head "This is my fault!" I can't help but feel as if I'm covered in his blood all over again. So I repeat the process, trying desperately to wash the guilt from my skin, scrub, wash, rinse, but it won't wash off, so I repeat, crying my heart out.

Scrub, wash, rinse.

Scrub, wash, rinse.


	4. Words

**So its my turn to confess something, I'm slightly taking out my frustrations on Katniss in this story, I apologize to any Team Gale members out there but I'm 200% a hardcore Team Peeta. So yeah, I think this is probably the all time low in this story so please don't leave me yet lol. Anyway short chapter but I think it gets the point across. So hope you enjoy it and as always Reviews are greatly appreciated. =D**

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><p>Chapter 4: Words<p>

No matter what I do I feel dirty but my skin can't bear anymore punishment. I step out of the shower; dry myself carefully to not irritate the pink skin. I get dressed and head to the kitchen; I haven't eaten anything in a while. The refrigerator is nearly empty, but I manage to scrap some nuts and fruits, along with some soft cheese. On the counter I see an old loaf of bread.

My minds skip immediately to him. I cut the bread and spread the soft cheese. I eat with appetite; I hadn't realized how hungry I was. My day feels empty, like I'm waiting for something to happen but I don't know what.

Small chores take up my time, dishes, throwing away food that has spoiled, cleaning, and making the bed. Things that shouldn't last more than a few minutes I make sure take as close as possible to hours. It is some time in the afternoon when I hear the phone ring. I pick up the receiver and all I hear is "You can come now; I need you to change his bandages. He won't let me touch him." Nervous pangs threaten to destroy me as I hang up the phone and walk out the door.

The closer I am to Peeta's house the faster my heart beats. I enter and Haymitch's judgemental eyes meet mine instantly. "He's upstairs, he won't let me touch him, much less change his damn bandages."

"What you think he'll let me? He wouldn't even let me go into his room." I say.

"Katniss, what did you do to him? You know as well as I do that this isn't any damn post traumatic stress. That boy's life has revolved around you since he decided to die for you in the games. Probably long before then."

I don't answer, I can't.

"Fine, but go change his bandages, I'm sure you owe him a hell of a lot more than that."

I turn around and head for the stairs. Each step feels like a trial, increasing in difficulty as they ascend.

The first thing I notice is the splintered door frame, and when I realize he didn't invite Haymitch into his room that night, a part of me settles down.

I enter a wreckage of a room, every piece of furniture has been flipped, sheets and glass line the corners of the room, and the blood stained floor has been cleaned, but sloppily, no doubt by the hands of a drunk Haymitch.

It takes me a few minutes to break out of the trance and register the stares. Peeta lies in bed, pale, his eyes filled with a fatigue I only saw when we were waiting for Cato's death atop the cornucopia. I can't help but think he's given up on life.

I make no attempt to speak to him as I approach him, but I am forced to since I'm not sure where his bandages are.

"I'm here to change your bandages." I say, trying to hide the guilt that I feel from him. He doesn't answer.

"Peeta please, just let me change your bandages. I promise I'll be gentle." A grim chuckle escapes his throat as he slowly reveals the bloodied bandages on his left wrist.

I freeze instantly. "Peeta, what did you…" my eyes tear.

"Change the bandages and leave." He says coldly.

And as much as I want to argue with him, to ask him to let me stay, I know I have no right. So I remove the bandages, apply the antibacterial as instructed, and give him the pills left by the doctor. I make my way to the door, lingering unnaturally in each step, silently hoping that he will stop me, but he doesn't.

The next few days go on the same way, I wait for Haymitch's call I bring some food for him and Peeta, tend to Peeta's wounds and take my leave. He no longer hurries me though, and I can see the color slowly returning to his face, the fatigue fading from his eyes, if only a little bit.

It's on the fourth day that Peeta asks me to call Haymitch to the room while I change his bandages.

Haymitch enters, lingering on the borderline of inebriation, "Yeah?" he says casually. I only look at Peeta.

"Haymitch I appreciate everything you've done for me these past few days, but you can go home. I feel a lot better and Katniss can take care of the rest from now." I try my hardest to hide my excitement.

Haymitch doesn't take the news well, his eyes lock on me as he shouts "Just what the hell did you do to him now?"

"Katniss hasn't done anything. I just don't think it's fair that you spend all your time worrying about me. I feel better, plus it's not like you were planning to stay here forever. I really appreciate everything you've done, more than you can understand. Thank you Haymitch."

This sets Haymitch off even more, he shifts his ire towards Peeta and shouts at the top of his lungs "Fine boy, but don't expect me to cry at your grave when your sweetheart here bleeds you dry!" he exits the room in a frenzy, slamming the door, storming loudly down the stairs, and slamming the front door.

We stay quiet for a few minutes, unsure if he would come back even more drunk and aggressive. When we both feel convinced that he won't return Peeta turns to me and smiles.

"Katniss, you can leave now too, thank you for all your help but I feel way better, my wound is closing and I know how to take care of it. Thank you for the food, I'll be sure to send some loafs of bread to your house." He smiles again as he slowly rises from the bed and goes into the bathroom, shutting the door, slowly and quietly behind him.

I stand there motionless, and all my previous excitement disappears. I thought I made progress with him, that he was willing to trust me again but I was wrong. I've caused too much damage this time, I've changed him again.

When he exits the bathroom he seems genuinely surprised to see me standing in the same spot.

"Katniss?" he says inquisitively "Katniss what are you doing, my bandages are fine, you can go now."

Anger swells where excitement once dwelled. "No" I say firmly. His face registers confusion.

"No what?"

"I'm not leaving." I say trying to maintain and even tone.

"Katniss, you can't be serious" he says, amusement in his voice. This makes my anger grow.

"Yes I am, and I'm not leaving!" I say, my voice nearing a shout.

"Fine, fine, stay, make yourself comfortable" he says while a smile creeps on his face and he begins to pick up the debris from his rampage.

What did I do to him to make him like this, so far from himself? I've broken him, the world made cracks, dents in his foundation but only I broke him completely. He hums as he tidies up the wreckage. I've turned him into someone like me, jaded and fake, manipulative. It's too much to handle right now so I turn to him and say "I'm going to get some water."

He turns to me, that smile plastered on his face and says "Oh, great, could you get me some too, I'm parched." I nod, and walk away.

As I approach the kitchen a fear overtakes me that I haven't felt since tried he to kill me in district thirteen. And I realize that this man is going to destroy me, not with his hands but with his words.


	5. Confessions

**So things are getting better right? Yeah wooh so yeah I don't know what else to say, um Reviews = Awesome. I really appreciate all of you who read this and hopefully you are enjoying it. I have really had fun writing this. Um yeah. Peace and Love and Katniss/Peeta Goodness to all the world =D.**

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><p>Chapter 5: Confessions<p>

We don't speak for the remainder of the day; we just pick up his room. Some furniture pieces like the dresser were too heavy for him to carry on his own due to his wrist. Silence set the atmosphere, cold and distant.

When we finish cleaning I prepare a small meal. And the day ends, Peeta in his bed and me in the rocking chair, drifting fretfully to sleep as I stare out the window.

I have no nightmares that night, still I'm jolted awake by the slightest of sounds. I survey the room and realize Peeta is gone, but light seeps from under the bathroom door. I attempt to go back to sleep but Peeta won't allow it. I hear him, sobbing silently. I can't help but fear that he will make an attempt on his life again when he emerges, almost an hour later. I can feel him starring at me, but I pretend to sleep, and he makes no effort to disturb that.

In the morning I don't say anything, but I can't forget what has happened. The next day is the same, we don't speak, we just fumble around one another hoping that we don't interrupt the other enough to start a conversation. And the night is almost the same.

Like clockwork Peeta retreats to the bathroom sobbing, and as I stare at the door, wishing I had something to say he opens the door and catches a glimpse of my surprised face. Immediately he closes the door and says, suppressing his sobs "You're awake, sorry did I wake you."

I can't lie to him, not anymore, "Yeah I heard you stirring." There is a long pause before I continue "I also heard you last night." Instantly I regret saying anything but it's much too late.

He opens the door and says "I guess there is no point hiding it then, sorry I woke you up." He turns off the bathroom light, momentarily sending the room to a near pitch black state, before my eyes adjust.

He hurries to his bed and tells me "you can sleep in the other bedrooms you know, that rocker doesn't seem comfortable."

"It's comfortable enough." I say.

"Or better yet you don't trust me."

"That too."

He looks at me and says "you don't have to worry about me Katniss."

"I disagree" I say with a smile. I'm not sure why but when he smiles back I feel as if it's the first genuine smile he's given me in a long time.

"Come to bed" he tells me as his smile fades slowly. But as I hear this I can't help but get nervous. Could he really mean it, could he be ready for this. Am I ready for this?

He senses my hesitation and says "you're misunderstanding me, I'll take the rocker tonight. I won't take no for an answer." My muscles relax and I decide it might be good for our relationship if I just agree with him.

As we switch from our stations I catch a glimpse of his eyes, they have that same protective look that they've had since we entered the arena. It pains my heart though, to think that even now, after everything that has happened he still tries to protect me, it's too much to bear tonight.

He sits on the rocker, gently swaying back and forth, staring out the window to the sky. The moonlight lands softly on his features. His hair seems to shine as it reflects back a soft golden glow. His skin alabaster, but his eyes, speaking volumes glow a brilliant blue. "Beautiful" I say under my breath.

He turns to me: "Did you say something?"

"Nothing" I say, my face turning red.

I can't fall asleep that night; I just stare at him as he stares out the window until my curiosity can't be controlled. Cautiously and as gently as possible I ask him "Peeta, what happened? Your wound wasn't by accident was it?" I ask even though I know what the answer.

He doesn't answer.

He stares out the window, touches his bandages, and then his bottom lip where I bit him almost two weeks ago.

"Do you remember when I told you my father wanted to marry your mother?"

I nod, even though I don't think the dim moonlight illuminates me. He continues anyway.

"I remember a picture of my mother when she was younger, she seemed happy." I stare in confusion. "Do you remember my mother?"

I do remember her but nothing pleasant so I say nothing.

He seems to understand the meaning of my silence so he says "Exactly." I feel ashamed. "She wasn't a bad person, she was just angry I think, maybe tired. My father never said anything to her, he didn't treat her badly, but I think she always knew." His point is becoming clear.

"Peeta it's not like that" I say in my defense, but I don't have any way to continue my argument.

He looks at me, giving me a chance to explain but when no words come his way he turns away and continues. "I love my mother, but I was always afraid of her, of her anger and how quickly she would become frustrated. How cold she was, not just to me but to my brothers." Tears spill from his eyes. "I don't want to be like her, bitter and scarred."

My face is warm, my eyes swollen with tears. I did this, not the world; I'm warping his mind, sending him into madness.

"I've lost everything Katniss, my family, my friends, my home, my sanity…y—" he stops himself and touches his bottom lip again. "Get some rest Katniss, I'm sorry I woke you up." And he returns to the bathroom. I hear muffled sobs, and then splashing. He emerges from the bathroom and sits on the rocker, gently swaying back and forth while staring at the moon.

His words linger in my mind. I'm the reason he did that to himself, and though I already knew, the pain and guilt resurfaces again. I am for all intents and purposes covered in Peeta's blood once again.

The nightmares that night are particularly terrifying. I am the mutt Katniss. But this is my nightmare not his, I follow myself, torturing Peeta, manipulating his love, taking advantage of everything he has to offer. And every chance I get I hurt him, I hurt his hands when I push him into the urn when he confesses his love, I throw the tracker jackers on him fully hoping he dies. Then I cure him and hurt him again. Convince him that I love him and then break his heart, over and over again; always extending a lifeline and cutting it lose when he needs me the most. I watch him die over and over again, each time reviving him only to hurt him again. This nightmare doesn't end like all the others; I wake up, sunlight streaking past the window covered in sweat from head to toe.

I prop myself on my hands and instantly notice that Peeta is missing, panic takes over. "Peeta!" I shout, running to the bathroom. He isn't there. "Peetaaa!" I run out of the room, down the stairs.

And alarmed Peeta runs out of the kitchen, hands covered in flour. "What! What happened!" he says alarmed, eyes wide open filled with shock.

Upon seeing him I instantly calm down. He looks at me and realizes the source of my panic. "I'm making some bread. I'll call you when I'm done."

My face is extremely hot, and so I nod and go back to the room, into the bathroom and wash my face.

I need to change my clothes I think to myself.

I step downstairs and tell Peeta that I'll be right back, he doesn't move from the kitchen.

I hurry to my house and grab some shirts, pants and undergarments.

My house still feels sterile and cold, even now, it offers no comfort. I stock up on what I need and leave.

Peeta's house feels very warm; the oven seems to heat up the first floor to almost uncomfortable temperatures.

I step into the kitchen and I am greeted by Peeta, removing the final buttons of his shirt, exposing his chest. I can't stop the blush, even though by now it's ridiculous to pretend we have anything to hide from each other.

He sees my reaction and begins to button his shirt, "Sorry, I forgot you were here, I heated the oven too much and it was too hot."

"No, no its ok I understand, you don't have to do that if you're uncomfortable" the redness in my face refuses to disappear. Still he looks at me and gives me a few moments to reconsider, when I say nothing he unbuttons his shirt again and returns to his work.

An hour goes by, Peeta, submerged in his work as I watch him. I stare at his chest slowly glistening with sweat, his hair sticking lazily to his forehead, same as that night.

For a moment our eyes meet as he pulls two large loafs of bread, and for those few seconds I can't help but see the boy with the bread staring gently back at me.


	6. Confrontation

**So I'm nervous about this chapter, I'm not sure if it reads well, but I wasn't sure how else to present this. I was going to sort of drag this out in one or two chapters but I felt like I would have to water it down too much or make the chapters even shorter than then already are. So I apologize if it doesn't read well, but look at the bright side things are looking up right? Anyway Reviews = Awesomeness, I never really expected this story to gain any momentum here but I'm happy it did. I really appreciate the support from some of you guys, I know that this isn't one of those mega stories that have thousands of followers or favorites but even the few I have make me feel like its not a total failure so thank you to all of you who read this, I hope you do so because you're enjoying it lol. So yeah best wishes. =D**

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><p>Chapter 6: Confrontation<p>

Like always, life doesn't stop, and Peeta and I develop a pattern of existence.

It continues, unchanging for weeks, we alternate between the rocker and his bed, sometimes he cries, sometimes I cry, but we do nothing, we just coexist providing silent support to one another. At times we attempt to talk, but the subjects surrounding our situation are too sensitive so we continue to just coexist.

In the mornings Peeta bakes and I watch him, he's begun to supply Haymitch with bread again, no doubt to ease his ire, but I don't believe Haymitch holds on to anger for too long, he's much too drunk to remember and he can't afford to lose the only companions he has left.

In the afternoon we eat, and sometimes try our hardest to maintain a conversation. I'd like to think our relationship has gotten better, still it's not well, and it's becoming my deepest fear that we'll never be the same, that we'll be forever strangers.

The nights are long and tiring, sometimes my nightmares come, other times all I see is an infinite gray. Life continues, no matter how painful it is.

Greasy Sae has taken it upon herself to bring supplies to Peeta's house. My guess is that Haymitch said something. Watching Greasy Sae come daily to replenish our supplies stirred something in me, a need for self dependence. So I started hunting again, it was difficult at first but some things aren't easily forgotten.

Life adapted once again, in the mornings Peeta baked and I hunted. Parts of me felt like some sense of normalcy was returning to my world, even if only this little bit. I felt like myself, the green forest gave me life, not just sustenance, the hunt was different, many small animals survived the devastation but the larger animals are scarce. It makes no difference, some squirrels should be enough. "Squirrels" I think aloud, Peeta should enjoy these, as I walk back to the Victors Village I can't help but be excited.

Dinner that day is exceptionally different, I'm not sure if it was the freshness of the food or the memories that Peeta associates with the squirrels but his mood is intoxicating, he smiles at me constantly sending my heart into a flurry. I don't know why, but seeing him like this, like his old self, makes me happier than I've been in a quite a while.

"Squirrels make me think of my father. No not just him, my mother and brothers too." He says breaking the silence between us. "Thank you Katniss I really appreciate this."

I just smile at him.

At night I take my place in the rocker and from the bed Peeta tells me "Katniss, that rocker isn't comfortable, why don't you take one of the spare rooms?" he pauses before saying, "you still don't trust me?"

"It's not that" I say "I would just feel weird in the other rooms."

He smiles as he props himself on one arm "Fine then, wait here then." He steps out of the rooms and a few minutes later I see him struggling to keep his balance while carrying a small mattress.

"It hurts my back to see you sleep there, now at least we can both be comfortable."

"Peeta be careful with that, you can't carry that with your leg and the condition of your wrist." I say while stumbling towards him.

"I'm fine Katniss, I brought it here just fine" he smile gently "don't forget I can carry hundred pound bags of flour."

Smiling I say "and wrestle" he blushes as our eyes meet and he drops the mattress next to the bed.

"So I'll take the mattress, a reward for dinner." And in my eyes the moment cannot be any more perfect.

That night I have no nightmares, I awake rested, and as I roll to the side of the bed I can't help but stare at Peeta, sleeping peacefully. Sheets in a mess, hair tussled sleepily, his shirt riding upwards revealing the scars in his chest. My body inches towards him dangerously slow but I know nothing will come of it. I let my arm hang off the bed and move it gently across the mattress, closer and closer to his face.

The scar on his bottom lip hasn't fully healed. I'm sure that isn't the only scar from that night that persists.

I trace the outline of his lip with my eyes, watch his chest, rising and falling. Still I can't bring myself to touch him, it's too selfish, no matter how much I want too I have to stop myself. My hands inch closer and closer still, before I can entwine my fingers in his hair his eyes slowly open.

He sees me there, eyes locked on his face while my head lies on the edge of the bed, my arm hanging off the bed stretched towards his face. I expect him to be in shock, to push me away in disgust but he doesn't, he breaths in deeply and touches my hand with his. I can't contain myself so I ask, "Why didn't you tell Haymitch what happened?"

He settles my hand gently and says "Too many reasons." My expression is unchanging so he says "do you really want to talk about this?"

"No" I say "but you do don't you" he looks away.

"Even though it didn't mean something to you…Katniss that night I thought you loved me, not as a friend, not as family….but the way I always felt about you." He swallows hard "you don't understand how that moment was for me; it was OURS, well at least mine. I don't need to share it; I don't want to share it with Haymitch." He struggles to stop the words from overflowing but he can't. "Katniss why? Why did you, you've known how I feel about you Katniss, that wasn't for survival, you made me believe that you love me." His voice faltering, tears running. "I don't hate you, I can't, but you hurt me more than I ever thought you could, more than any venom made me believe you would."

"Peeta…" is all I can say before I am overcome by emotion. Slowly I let my body drop to the mattress, letting my body crawl towards him. His eyes follow me, filled with fear and reservations. When we kiss I feel his lips tremble. I take in his taste, his smell, his sounds, but it is short lived.

Peeta pulls away sharply, tears overflow from his eyes as he grabs his face. "Why are you doing this to me Katniss? I can't handle this one more time, I can't."

I look in to his eyes desperately "I won't Peeta, I swear I won't hurt you please."

"I love you Katniss" he says holding my hands close to his face "so much. But this that you're feeling isn't real. What will I do when you wake up and your guilt isn't there." He kisses my hands then places them against his forehead.

Fear rushes into me. What have I done? We've made so much progress; he's going to push me away again. I can't hold back my tears. "Peeta don't say that, this isn't fake. Don't push me away."

"Katniss don't please, don't make this harder." He hugs me tight, but when he lets go I feel him slipping away, he's giving up on me.

Haymitch was right, even Peeta has his limits and I've hurt him too many times, it's the same as that time on the train, the boy with the bread is slipping away, but this time I don't know if he'll return to my side.

In a panic I say "Ok Peeta, let's just forget this happened ok." My cheeks slick with tears "Let's just go back to sleep for an hour and when we wake up I'll go hunting and you'll bake bread. I'll try to find some squirrels ok?" He nods, and manages a smile but I know it won't be the same.

I don't find any squirrels during my hunt, I catch two rabbits, and sloppily kill some game birds that I decide to leave behind; two rabbits will be enough.

When I return Peeta is still baking, I sit in a corner and watch him bake, breathing in every sent as if it was the last time I would experience them. No words are exchanged between us. The silence is painful, and my heart aches for his voice.

Dinner isn't much different, we exchange small glances, awkward and fleeting. I want to talk to him to tell him that I don't' want to lose him, that I don't want to hurt him but I need to be closer to him, to feel him next to me, but I can't, once again I can't do anything.

It's been several weeks since his incident, and all I've manage to do is push him away. No! I can't bear to lose him again.

"Peeta?" I say as we prepare to take our stations in bed. "Peeta, I've hurt you."

Pain covers his face. "Katniss…"

I step closer "I've felt like a victim to this world for quite a while…I lost everything, and everytime I've tried to fix things I lose even more. I don't want to lose you too."

"I'm still here Katniss"

"Not the way I want you to be." I say frustrated.

"That's not fair!" He says with an elevated tone.

"Why NOT!" I shout without considering what I'm saying, I feel selfish.

"BECAUSE IT HURTS KATNISS! Nothing you've ever shown me is true; you don't know what it feels like, to lose love. It's painful Katniss, time and time again I've given you my love, my heart and you threw it away. You don't love me, and you won't love me. I've lived my whole life for you but it hurts too much. That's why I stole the alcohol, that's why I destroyed the room, that's why I tried to end it, because it hurts too much, to be so close to you and not being able to touch you, to believe time and time again that you love me only to be reminded that it will never happen!"

My anger flares, and I push him against the counter. "What Katniss, What? Why won't you just admit it? There are no cameras anymore, no sponsors, you don't need me to survive anymore, why do you do this to me. You don't have anything to gain from pretending." His face is painted with anguish.

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!" I scream out, frustrated, defeated, angry.

His face registers only shock and disbelief, and as I run out of his kitchen, out of his house and towards mine the only thing I hear is Peeta's strained voice screaming out of his door "KATNISS WAIT!"

I don't stop, I'm tired. Tired of the hunger, tired of hurting him, tired of the games.

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><p><strong>"Best whishes" is that a weird thing to say? lol sorry it just popped into my head.<strong>


	7. Dreaming

**So updating to a bit longer than usual but its all good, I hope to finish this story by next week, I'm still mulling over what to include next, so is this chapter what is meant as fluff? I'm relatively new to this site so I'm not sure I get all the jargon but anyway yeah. Review's would really be appreciated, as always. Also I really would like to thank all the people that put this story in your alert thingy or your faves, or reviewed. Every time I see those numbers rise my heart skips like thirty beats lol so thhhhaaaannnnnkkkk youuuu. Hope you enjoy. MUCH LOVE**

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><p>Chapter 7: Dreaming<p>

"Because I love you" what was I thinking, what right do I have to tell him that. What if he's right, what if this feeling fades? This shouldn't be happening, can't be happening.

I wonder what he's doing now?

I close my door and encase myself in my home, it still provides no comfort, even after the fireplace heats the rooms, it lacks HIS warmth.

Did he follow me?

Will he knock on that door and be there to hold me? No, he won't it's too late.

I press my back against the door try to feel body, through the door, through the distance, through the confusion. I know he loves me, but can he afford to take another risk.

He doesn't come.

My room that night feels like a prison cell, the darkness is stagnant, heavy, it threatens to engulf me. I never realized the support that Peeta provided, just in being there. What a fool I am, what a selfish fool. I told myself that I was looking out for Peeta, trying to make sure he was alive, but it was the other way once again, my presence hurt him, reminded him of his pain, his struggles, but he allowed me to stay, he placed himself to be in harm's way for my sake.

My nightmares are the worst ones yet, Peeta smiles at me but I can't reach him, as he smiles to me he tells me how I've hurt him, how I don't love him and because of it he doesn't love me anymore. He tells me that night meant nothing to him. I scream at him "It's not true, you love me Peeta." But he doesn't, "Why should I love you? You don't provide anything for me?" he says, laughing at me, "How long did you expect me to love you? You're selfish and manipulative?" his laughter is twisted "You're not even pretty! You're scarred Katniss. Broken inside and out, you're not enough for me anymore and you never will be."

I scream at him, tell him to reconsider, to return to being Peeta, MY Peeta. He doesn't. I wake up to no warm embrace, no loving smile, only darkness. My body is cold, covered in sweat, and all my senses struggle to cope with Peeta's absence. When sleep reaches me so do the nightmares. Once again I am a young girl, bordering on the edge of death; the rain is heavy on my feeble body, I struggle to keep my body upright as I fumble through the back of his family's bakery. His mother yells at me, pushing me away like a pest. But Peeta sees me. I hear his mother screaming and watch him come towards me with two large loaves of bread. He makes sure his mother is out of sight and then he turns to me. He smiles and drops the bread in front of me, but before I can reach for it he tramples the bread into the mud, a twisted smile turns on his face, "You're not worth saving, just give up. Fade for me Katniss, fade away." The smell of bread intertwines with the rain and muddy water. My weakness overcomes my body and I succumb to Peeta's request. I fade.

The night isn't kind to me, the darkness kills my sense of sight, and the silence is deafening, the only thing that registers is the faint scent of bread. A cruel parting gift from my nightmares, defeated fatigue takes over, no matter how hard I try to resist I drift off to inevitable torture.

Nothing comes, in the pits of my consciousness I await for Peeta's cold stares, his stinging words, but they don't come, I linger in limbo. Afraid of what hateful words await me. The morning sun awakens me, and though no nightmares came sweat still plagued my body. The smell of bread still lingers.

I move mechanically following my morning ritual. Wash my face. Clean my teeth. Change my clothes. Nothing is different, except Peeta is no longer with me. The smell of bread won't leave my side, no matter how faint. "Bread!" I say aloud, could it be? I run down the stairs, hoping desperately to be greeted by a smiling Peeta, but he isn't there, though the smell of bread perseveres he isn't there. "He's gone. He's gone and I'm stuck in this dead house, hollow and suffocating."

I can't stand it; the smell of bread haunts this house. I open the windows but the scent does not fade, is this punishment, a nightmare that will forever never cease, my senses, a slave to his absence?

This house is so similar to his, but somehow it's always cold. I have to talk to him, even if he tells me that he can't be with me I have to see his face once again, feel his warmth, he has to know how I feel, he needs to know how empty I am when he is gone from my side.

I dash to my door as I turn the knob the motion feels heavy, and when I open the door, a sleeping Peeta tumbles inward, multiple loaves of bread spilling from his grip onto my floor. I stare at him stunned.

"When you said you loved me…did you mean it? The way I love you?" He stares at his bread. "I couldn't sleep, so I baked."

"Peeta" I sigh falling to the floor I place my knees around his head and let my forehead meet his.

"Katniss I love you, you know that." I nod gently "I still have false memories. They're fewer and easy to distinguish but sometimes I don't think I'll ever be able to completely be free from them."

I do nothing to hide my surprise. "Peeta! Why didn't you tell me, you hadn't had flashback in so long!"

"It wouldn't make a difference" he says sadly "I can deal with them anyway" his eyes shift uncomfortably "I'm scared Katniss."

"Peeta you don't have to be scared, they can't hurt you anymore."

"They already did Katniss, beyond repair" he slowly closes his glassy eyes and a small tears collects at their corners "I'm scared that when I wake up it will all be a dream, or maybe I'll wake up to a nightmare. I'll wake up and you won't be there, or you'll hate me again."

Hate him? The words resound in my head, he thinks I hate him, or have in the past.

"You think I hate you?" I say distancing my face from his.

He doesn't look at me as he says "Katniss, I know you've resented me many times. For slowing you down in the arena, for putting you in danger, for forcing my feelings on you in front of the whole nation, I know how you felt about the marriage. If none of that would have happened…" his voice becomes shaky and nervous "you, you could have been with Gale."

"You're wrong Peeta, I've never hated you. If you weren't in the arena with me I probably wouldn't have survived either, and I know you never wanted to force your feelings on me and as for Gale…" I feel a lump in my throat, Gale, "Gale was special to me, he was one of the only people I counted on, I grew too depend on him, he was one of the only things in my life that I provided support instead of the other way around." Peeta doesn't open his eyes "I can't say I know what would have happened if we never met, many people expected things to happen between us, but that's not something I think about."

"Is that so, I'm glad." He blurts out absentmindedly but instantly catches himself. His face reddens. "I'm sorry I didn't mean anything by it." He seems confused by the smile that spreads on my face. I close the gap between our faces with a kiss. The smell of bread is everywhere, his face, hair, and the air around us.

"I love you Katniss, but what will happen when I wake up from this dream?"

I smile and plant a small kiss on his forehead, "I'll be by your side to convince you that this is reality."

His eyes tear, "So you'll stay with me?"

"Always" is the only thing I tell him before pressing my lips to his.


	8. Defenses

**So it took me a while to update, but I know what I'm going to add to the story so the time off worked out well for me =D. So Long chapter this one, Hope you enjoy and REVIEWS STILL MAKE MY WORLD GO ROUND SO I APPRECIATE THEM ALL.**

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><p>Chapter 8: Defenses<p>

Everything tastes different this morning. The eggs, the fruit, and the bread, it's all so fresh and flavorful. The colors are brighter, the air cleaner. Is this the effect he has on me? We don't speak much, but it's not strange, somehow our presence is enough for one another. Yet every time I catch a glimpse of his eyes I want to shout, I want to tell him over and over again that I love him, bury him in kisses, and feel every inch of his body on mine.

Restraint is something I have always exercised at my discrepancy depending on the situation; I wonder which of those situations this is?

"Hmm?" I let out aloud as I swim through my thoughts.

"Katniss?"

"What?" I ask, braking out of my deep trance. "Yes Peeta?"

He smiles, "You made some sounds. I thought you had a question for me."

"Oh? Sorry I was lost in thought." As I say this I can't help but smile mischievously, while his face registers confusion. He's mine again; I wonder when we'll…

The clinking of plates and glasses snaps me out of my haze. There's bread everywhere, I can't believe he baked so much.

"How long were you awake that you made all of this bread?" I ask half jokingly.

"Well" he says, taking a small pause to regroup his thoughts, "maybe from like an hour after you left my house. At first I sat there, I didn't really understand what had happened. I'm not sure if I really do yet. My mind felt so heavy with thoughts, I couldn't really stay still, I thought about following you, knocking on your door, everything." His eyes stare wearily. "I wasn't sure if what you said was real, so I baked, I even came at night with bread but I didn't want to disturb you. I must have come to your door six times before I decided to wait for you, I guess that's when I fell asleep" he says laughing.

"When I made it home, I expected that you would have followed me. I was scared that…that you gave up on me." It feels strange to open up like that, willingly. I feel vunerable and weak.

"I can't give up on you Katniss, if I do I give up on life."

"You can't mean that." Can he? Could he really place me so high even after everything that's happened? Everything I've done?

Peeta seems as if he wished he could retract his statement. "I don't mean that, THAT will happen again. Don't worry. It's not me trying to say….I just mean that you… I really love you Katniss, since I could remember I've loved you and it's a part of who I am."

It's amazing how even his lack of words is expressed so beautifully. "Peeta, I love you too." He smiles.

And once again we return to that comfortable warm silence, embellished by fleeting stares and occasional blushes.

In the afternoon I decide to hunt, while Peeta takes some of the extra bread to Haymitch, I'm not sure how their relationship has been since Peeta dismissed him but Haymitch refuses to speak to me. Maybe I should take him some game?

The forest is calming as always, and some of the life has returned, squirrels and other small game are abundant, and the wild birds seem bolder than they should. I manage to kill three squirrels and a fat turkey. The day is perfect. On my way back to victors village I spot Haymitch, I start to walk towards him, turkey in hand, when I catch a glimpse of his eyes, bloodshot red and angry. From past experiences I've come to realize that Haymitch isn't the most reasonable drunk, so I decide to just head straight home.

Peeta is sitting at the kitchen island; it isn't until I place my hands on his shoulders that I realize something is wrong. His shoulders are extremely tense; they relax slightly to my touch but remain contracted. When he turns around I am appalled by the large bruise on his face.

"Peeta? What happened?" I yelp hysterically as I dash to the sink and wet a rag with cold water.

"Nothing I'm fine" is the only response he musters as he winces when I touch his bruised skin with the cold rag.

"What do you mean nothing, look at this! What happened Peeta?" All I can think about is how this is probably my fault, did I say something wrong? Did he do this to himself somehow?

He sighs deeply and then says "Ok, listen first calm down, I'm fine ok. Just keep calm."

I make no promises.

"Listen I went to give Haymitch some of the bread. When I got there he was passed out but I decided to wake him up because I wanted to talk to him. He was so drunk that when he woke up he freaked out and punched me, it's not a big deal and you know how he can be when he's drunk."

"Haymitch did this to you?" I say angrily though part of me is relieved he didn't cause this to himself.

"Yes, but he was drunk out of his wits" he pauses to examine my expression, and I do my best to hide my frustration. "Just don't do anything rash Katniss, it's not a big deal, Haymitch has even swung his fists at you. Just give him some time to sober up and he'll probably show up here with some weird apology or excuse." He chuckles lightly as he finishes, but this doesn't relieve my anger.

"Is that squirrel" he says, his face filling with delight.

"Yes it is!" I say proudly, squirrel wasn't much of a price before, but now, the way he lights up, it's like a trophy. He has a strange way of manipulating my train of thought.

We take our time preparing the meat, and while it cooks, Peeta prepares some sort of biscuit, and I cook some simple wild rice. As we cook I constantly look at his bruise "HAYMITCH!" I think to myself. He needs to take responsibility for himself, look what he did to Peeta's face, and we're supposed to accept it because he's a drunk? No! That's not right. I make a mental not to visit Haymitch after my hunt tomorrow and return to cooking.

The food is simple but completely satisfying, after the war, even in district 12, the food still felt alien, I guess things are finally returning to normal, to being home.

We sit by the fire in our comfortable silence for a while, and when it becomes dark outside Peeta kisses me and starts to make his way to the door.

Is he leaving? I don't know why but I expected him to stay. Should he be leaving? Why not, he has his own home anyway, still….

Before he has a chance to reach the door I say "You're leaving?" my tone of voice has no confidence.

He turns to me; "Yeah, my things are back in my house so I was just going to come back early in the morning before you left to hunt."

"Oh, yeah…" he's once again reaching for the door before I say "Don't go? Stay."

He looks at me reluctantly, his face laced with doubt. "Ok" he says before returning to his place next to me before the fire place. I guess we still have things to work on but I need him, next to me, embracing me, all of him.

Not much time passes before we decide to go to bed, as he enters my room he seems to lose confidence, his stride shortens, and his posture softens. Still I lead him to my bed and instruct him to be comfortable. When he lays awkwardly motionless on my bed I pull his shirt off, "I remember on the victory tour, you would sleep without a shirt sometimes." He nods slowly and relaxes a bit.

I go into the bathroom and change, though I feel silly doing so, it's not like I have anything to hide from him anymore. Maybe this will make the situation awkward?

I emerge in a pair of soft shorts and a comfortable shirt, sink into bed and drag him with me, allowing his warmth to consume me. His body is stiff though and he reacts sharply to every touch from my wandering hands.

"Peeta?"

He looks at me shyly and says "I'm sorry Katniss, I guess my body is still a little scared. It's difficult to forget."

"It's ok Peeta I understand." I smile and kiss him warmly. "Good night." I say while I allow his arms to wrap around me, my own around his waist while I bury my face in his exposed chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing deepen as he falls further to sleep. But I don't, not right away, not while my body is burning. The smell of his skin, the feel of his chest, it's intoxicating. I press myself closer to him, kissing his chest, the heat building inside is excruciating, and I can feel myself moistening with anticipation.

"Restraint" I chant quietly to myself. I allow him to sleep and after a while my needs diminish, but my frustration doesn't. It's fine though, this frustration will serve me just fine when I talk to Haymitch tomorrow, I think to myself. With that I let myself fall asleep, and for the first time in a while I have a dream and not a nightmare but this type of dream is new to me. The image of our sweat drenched bodies, the sight of every muscle on his upper and lower back tightening as he pressed roughly against me, around me, in me.

I wake up to the familiar panting, sweat covering my body, but it's not the same, I'm not afraid I'm excited. Peeta's hands have wandered in his sleep; his right is placed gently on my navel moving as he breathes ever so slightly. They tempt me, entice me and excite me, calling me to devour him again. His left is stretched out in front of him supporting the weight of my head. I can feel his breathing on my back, his warm chest, and as I press against him I realize that I am not alone in my excitement. I turn to him and as his right hand finds new comfort on my lower back I trace the contours of his chest with my fingers inching lower and lower until I am at the waist of his pants. I start to move my hands over his zipper when I feel him stirring. I quickly go limp and close my eyes, but I allow my hand to remain on his need, curious about his reaction.

I can feel him awaken, his eyes burning through my eyelids and into mine. He lets out a deep sigh and traces my arms, and when I twitch my hands over his zipper I feel his arms tighten as he lets out a burly gasps. He pulls my body even closer to his, and as he does this I know exactly what he wants, exactly what he's thinking. He moves his hands to my thighs, letting his fingers dance down the side of my legs and venturing softly to my inner thighs. It takes one gently kiss on my forehead to have my body shivering with desire, and when he senses that I'm stirring he removes his gentle hands, places space between us and fixates his eyes on my face.

When my eyes open I am overcome by a brilliant blue.

"Good morning." He says smiling, though he can't shake the blush from his face.

"Morning" I pause to take in his face then realize something "No nightmares?"

"No nightmares" he reassures me. "How about you?"

"No…I had a great dream actually." I let a smile creep up on my face and this catches his attention.

"Really what about?" I consider telling him, but after last night it might be too soon instead I tell him about a wide meadow where children were roaming free and safe. It brings a smile on his face.

We lay in bed for an hour, our bodies tangled with one another until hunger gets the best of us. Breakfast goes by fairly quickly, we finish some of Peeta's excess bread and he separates the oldest ones for Haymitch's geese. I grab my hunting gear and set for the forest, but with haste in my step, I want to make sure to catch Haymitch after one of his drunken sleeps, when his blood alcohol level is at his lowest.

The hunt is fairly successful, some small game birds and a couple of quail eggs for tomorrows breakfast.

I walk back to the Victors Village but sneak past my and Peeta's house, I don't want him to see me heading towards Haymitch's house. Once I arrive I drop the game in his kitchen and fill a pitcher with water. I enter the living room expecting him to be lying face down on his couch after hours of his excessive drinking, instead I find a relatively sober Haymitch about to start his binge drinking ritual.

"What do you want?" he says without looking at me.

I place the pitcher down on small end table, disappointed that I don't get to pour it on him, especially after that greeting. "What exactly is your problem. You left a massive bruise on Peeta's face and all you've done is act as if nothing's happened. "

He looks at me and laughs wildly "You're lecturing me? On how I treat the boy?" his laughter grows.

A pang of pain shoots through my body and threatens to overspill as tears, but I don't allow it, not in front of him anyway. "It doesn't matter, I can tell you're not even sorry. He defended you. I'm not here on his request or anything. This is pointless but what did I expect from you!"

His laughter ceases. "Figures" as he speaks a few chuckles escape his throat, but they aren't as whole hearted, they're bitter and angry.

I start to walk away when he says "I don't know what he said but he lied to you. You wouldn't be here if he told you the truth." This catches my attention.

"Tell me Katniss what did he says happened?" His voice sounds amused.

"He told me he surprised you with bread, you woke up drunk out of your mind and punched him."

His loud laughter starts again. "Figures that Blondie would tell you that, did he leave out the big argument we had about you?"

"What?" He measures my reaction and holds back his chuckles.

"That boy never learns." He stops laughing and looks me directly in the eye. "He came here with bread, that's true, but I didn't wake up swinging my fists. He apologized for my dismissal and told me how both of you are doing well." I listen carefully, waiting to see how it became an argument about me. "I asked him what had happened before his….accidents" he lingers on the last word, and my stomach churns violently in fear that Haymitch knows what happened. "But the boy got defensive and told me it was none of my business."

"And what you punched him? That's your excuse?" I yell at him, trying hard to sound mad though I'm relieved that he is still unaware of what had happened.

"No not just yet, first I told him how he's an idiot for going back to you. No offense sweetheart but I'd figure he'd learn to stay away from you after…everything you've done to him. Anyway he was defending you and it got heated and I punched him, though he didn't leave before landing a good one on me too." He laughs while lifting his shirt and showing me the bruise on his ribs, I'm glad he got hurt too. "So no, I won't apologize, but I don't expect him to either."

Nodding is the only thing that comes to mind. But before I leave, I pack take some of my game and say "I left you some game birds in the kitchen. Haymitch don't get in the habit of hurting Peeta, he only struck you in self defense, but we both know that I'm not as good natured Peeta." As I leave I see a smile creep up on his face, for once it seems genuine.


	9. Cracks

**So we're arriving at the end of the story but I still want a chapter full of good stuff. Sound Good? Anyway for those of you who have stuck with this story I really appreciate it, Reviews have been super awesome and every time I get an alert or a fave story I flip in the air like a dolphin. So yeah Thank you and hopefully enjoy.**

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><p>Chapter 9: Cracks<p>

"Why did you lie to me?" is the first words I say when I see Peeta.

"What are you talking about Katniss?"

"I talk to Haymitch, he clarified some details about your bruise." Peeta's face become beet red, "Oh!" is all he says.

"You didn't have to lie to me." He stares at me carefully, measuring his words. "Did you like what you heard? Were you honestly fine with what he told you?"

His directness catches me by surprise. "No, I wasn't" I say "but you shouldn't have lied to me anyway." I know I'm being stubborn, but it's not fair that I'm always the one being guarded. Am I that weak?

"It was my fault. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by now, every time you're hurt." I place the game birds on the counter and avoid his eyes.

"I don't blame you Katniss, It wasn't any of his business and he has no right getting all worked up like that."

I build up the courage to look in to his eyes and say "I don't want you to… after what happened… he became really defensive of you. Peeta I don't want you to lose anyone else because of me."

"Katniss… " his face filled with kindness. I'm about to continue when he kisses me passionately, melting my words, and sending my body into a flurry of emotion. "The only person that I'm scared of losing is you."

Those words, he's still so powerful, even after everything that has happened to him. "How about we get dinner started." And just like that with a smile painted on his face he's changed the mood altogether.

After dinner we sit in front of the fire again, we exchange small talk but still avoid some of the more sensitive issues. At least he doesn't wince every time I touch his hands. After a few hours he kisses my forehead and heads for the door, same as yesterday.

"You're leaving again?"

His answer seems a bit nervous "Yeah, I have to shower and change, I promise I'll be back tomorrow morning, I'll bring some bread."

Doubts pop into my head but I'm too scared to tell him, I don't want to push him but if I don't say anything I know I'll regret it. "When I'm not there do you have nightmares? When you're sleeping I mean."

He looks at me, analyzing my face before answering. "Every night." His face returns to the door.

"Then why?" I ask shyly. "Why do you want to leave. Why would you go back to nightmares?"

"It's not that I want to leave, but I have to."

"Why! Stay I don't mind if you stay I want you to stay." I'm trying to stay calm but I can feel my voice changing slightly.

His expression changes, it becomes serious and deep. "I can't Katniss, I want to I really do but I can't."

"You can't or won't?" I say much too quickly, failing to hide the accusing nature of the question.

He walks slowly back to me and sits down. "I can't."

"I don't understand what you mean." I say stubbornly.

"Katniss…that night was…something different for me than it was for you." I feel an intense burning sensation spread across my face. I was hoping to avoid this topic, and from the awkward expression on his face it seems like he was too. "I'm still scared about us, maybe for myself. When I'm around you it's difficult to control myself. Even after all this time, it's as if you still don't know the effect you have on people, on me." He pauses for a minute to catch his breath. "I don't trust myself, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for something else to happen." His eyes shift nervously from side to side, maybe he's scared he's said the wrong thing, or made incorrect assumptions? How would he react if he knew for certain he wasn't wrong? Should I tell him that last night I couldn't sleep because I wanted him so badly? No I shouldn't.

"Staying doesn't have to mean anything you're not ready for Peeta. I won't force you to stay, but if you do it doesn't have to have any implications, I…it's enough to just be with you." The burning sensation has subsided but I still feel my cheeks flushed.

His red complexion deepens and a wide grin overtakes his face. "Ok Katniss, I'll stay, I'll just go shower and grab some clothes."

"No! Please just stay, if you go you might not come back, I have some larger clothing and you can use my shower." I gauge his reaction, trying to see if I've asked for too much, but he doesn't react negatively he simply smiles and kisses my forehead.

We walk upstairs and I hand him some large shorts I use for sleeping and a towel. He looks at me strangely for a few seconds and then walks into the shower. It's awkward for me for some reason, waiting outside of my bathroom while a man uses it. Even if it is Peeta it's a peculiar scenario for me.

I hadn't seen Peeta under these circumstances either, his hair seems heavy against his skin, his skin if flushed from the hot water, and he seems equally awkward in my shorts. He pulls them down then up trying to find a comfortable positioning of the material.

"These are large shorts?" he says squirming in place.

"Sorry, large is a relative term I guess," a giggle escapes my throat and it seems to send him into a whirlwind of happiness, settling his discomfort.

"I've never heard you laugh like that" he says utterly pleased. I consider his statement for a moment, realizing that it's not really something I remember myself doing.

"Yeah well stick around; I'm sure there will be lots of firsts." I smile peevishly and say "anyway I'm going to shower now." I walk over to him and pull the towel from his head as I walk into the bathroom.

I close the door and shed my clothing. As I step into the shower I feel that excitement reemerge. "Restraint!" I whisper to myself in the shower. The warm water washes over me and as steam fogs all the surfaces of the room entrapping me in a solitary box of glass. The warm water trickles down my chest, titillating my breasts. I place my hands on them and knead them slowly, biting my lips to prevent any sounds from escaping. I wish these were Peeta's hands, taking me and making me his! The water becomes very hot and as it travels down my abdomen, between my thighs increasing the burning inside me, my hands move on their own, slowly kneading in a circular motion. No matter how firmly I bite my lips the sounds still escape. Soft moans, hasty sighs, and deep shudders. Water flows slowly, clinging to my flesh and shooting rapid sensations up my body. "Peeta…" I let out softly.

My left hand is travelling downwards as my right hand continually massages the tender skin of my breasts. As the water heats even more my breathing hastens. I wish he was in here with me. I press my back against the wall and part my legs slightly. As my hand slides between them I part flesh and massage it slowly. The sensations are delicacies, filling my body with delight. Somehow it's still not enough though, these hands aren't his, and even more it's not his warmth, his pressure. I try desperately to feel what his body made me feel that night but I can't. I thrust two fingers deeper into myself twisting my hand to place pressure on my parted lips… "Mmhh!" I yelp uncontrollably.

The soft knocking on the door shocks me back to reality violently, I lose footing and slide aggressively towards the ground. "Katniss? Are you alright, you've been in there for an hour."

An hour? I think to myself. "Yes, I'm fine Peeta, I'll be out in a minute." I say shakily. "Restraint" I whisper to myself once again turning the water from hot to cold. The change shocks my body but as the cold water washes over me the heat possessing my body diminishes, at least physically.

As I dry myself I realize I didn't bring any clothing to change into. I open the bathroom door slightly and ask Peeta to pass me some clothing. He brings me a large shirt, and I blush deeply when I have to ask him to pass me panties. The shirt covers me but barely reaches the bottom of my undergarment.

As I walk out of the bathroom I say "Is this how you expect me to dress around you?" he laughs lightly and tells me "well I thought I would get some revenge."

"Revenge?" I yell throwing the wet towel in his face. "You can't be THAT uncomfortable in those shorts."

"That's not…." he stops short and says "well they ride up too much." He laughs even harder. "Here!" he says as he throws a similar but smaller pair of shorts to me.

I look at him for a minute, laughing in bed and say "No its fine, I'm comfortable as is. Some of us are able to look past discomfort." I smirk, but I want him to feel more than that, it's his fault that I probably won't be able to fall asleep tonight either.

As I crawl into bed I watch the familiar red color creep into his face. Maybe I've gone too far. "Peeta?"

"I'm fine." As he smiles he presses me close to him, that's when I realize the source of his discomfort.

"Peeta?" I say surprised. He quickly pulls back.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to….you…you didn't really give me a choice." He turns around and covers his body, "G…Good night Katniss."

"Peeta…its fine I'm sorry." I say trying to hide my laughter. He doesn't turn around to face me. "Come on Peeta it's not a big deal."

He doesn't budge. But I can't control my laughter, or my excitement, so I drape my leg over waist and place my arm on his chest. "You know, even with underwear you wouldn't be able to hide your excitement" I whisper softly in his ear, "Besides…you're not the only one who has trouble resisting. You don't know the effect you have on me" I linger on the last word before biting down on his ear.

I feel the heat that spreads across his face. He turns around quickly and places his and roughly on my thigh and pulling my needs tightly against his. I can feel him, erect with want, ready to take me. I can feel the moisture of my excitement, ready to accept him at any point. He presses against me and I can feel the pressure, pushing against my flesh through the layers of clothing.

"Peeta!" I moan roughly against his ear.

He kisses me roughly and stops abruptly. I can't yet Katniss, just give me more time. His breathing is growing staggered. I nod calmly but my sharp breathing betrays my façade. He smiles huskily and says "Just a little more time….Will you wait for me just a little more?"

"I'll be here Peeta for as long as you need." He kisses me gently and allows me to settle into him.

"Thank you" he whispers in my ear as he wraps his protective hands around me.

That night paved something for us. The next few days Peeta doesn't attempt to leave anymore, I hunt he bakes; we eat and spend the night together, defending one another from the nightmares. He's begun to lower his defenses towards me, and at night I can feel him, his hands becoming braver with each passing day, cracks, forming in the walls of his defenses.


	10. Revenge

**So this is where the mature parts begin, there are only a few chapters left and I think they should all be relatively large, they will be...detailed. So I hope you enjoy these, I have, and as always Reviews = THANK-YOU-NOSITY. I'm sorry to anyone who doesn't like these types of stories but I'm assuming if you're reading this chapter than the first chapter didn't scare you off. I also apologize for grammar and spelling mistakes, I reread the story before posting it but things still escape me...I'm infamous for my grammar.**

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><p>Chapter 10: Revenge<p>

I haven't been this happy in a long time. I mean really happy, not just feeling good for short periods of time. Peeta has been staying over for almost a month, and I feel like we've been able to move on from past events. At night sometimes he even teases me, he'll place his hands dangerously close to me, pass his fingers over my underwear or in between my thighs. I melt for him, call his name like a prayer, arch and contort my body to his touch, but he places gentle kisses on my neck and wish me good night. Maybe he's getting some revenge, for all the years he's wanted me but I hadn't been available, even more for those times when I led him to believe I was.

Still I don't care, his touch excites me so, and I can feel him, pressed against my back. The feeling is all too reciprocal.

I believe we're living together. There was no official discussion but I told him that it wasn't practical to get clothing from his house every day, and my shorts are out of the question, so I offered him the empty drawers in my dresser and parts of my closet, it was all too much for me anyway. He doesn't really return to his house except to get the flour that he stores in his pantry.

I hunt, he bakes, we eat dinner, and then sleep together. I'm happy with the way things are, we've been opening up to each other, we have deep conversations, or pointless ones, or none at all, it doesn't really matter, his presence has an uplifting effect on me, and I'd like to think it's mutual.

One morning during breakfast I ask him "Peeta…Have you spoken with Haymitch since you fought?"

He doesn't answer. "So…No?"

"I've had some short conversations with him, nothing serious, just some polite exchanges when I bring him bread." He says, not looking way from his plate.

"Oh…ok, I was just curious." He looks up from his plate and says "I know you feel guilty, but it's not your fault that we're like this, it's not like he was one to open up to begin with. I don't plan to cut him out of my life, he's one of the few people still alive that could understand me, us, and we've been through a lot, but I'm not going to allow him to have his way with everything, even if he truly thinks he is correct, I need to do what is best for my life, and happiness."

His words reverberate. When did Peeta become so determined, this confidence he has, is it new or am I just beginning to notice it. His eyes become heavy as he gets up from his chair and he walks towards me.

"Which leads me to you miss Everdeen, I still have a bone to pick with you." He says playfully, no, not really playfully, sensually. A blush spreads across my face. Damn! He's doing it again, but I guess I was right, he was teasing me on purpose. It's not discouraging though, I guess we've really been able to overlook that night, or maybe integrate it, use it to bring us closer. "I still haven't forgiven you for making wear those uncomfortable shorts." He lifts me off my chair and places me on the counter, slipping his right hand between my thighs.

"Oh? As I recall they suited you just fine." He pushes his thumb against me and rubs me through the material of my pants. My knees are already getting weak. I struggle to keep a straight face, and speaking without moaning seems like an impossible task. "What are you taking some sort of revenge on me Mellark?" I place my hands on his shoulders and grip tightly, focusing my mind on that to maintain composure. "Me? No! You don't think I'm that petty do you?" with his left hand he pulls the waist of my pants, and slips his right inside them, his warm hands hover gently over my now wet opening. The innocent face he has painted on, I don't understand how he manages it, I guess he always was a better actor than I was. He massages my clitoris with two fingers, and I can't hold back the moan anymore.

"Mmmmh!" he slows down, allowing me to speak coherently "So I'm wrong?" I say in between staggered breaths.

"Well revenge is such an ugly word, but maybe I am getting a little payback." He increases the intensity again and slips his middle finger into me.

"Ssshi—mmmnh!" I let out as I try to formulate sentences "All this over a pair of uncomfortable shorts?" His index finger joins his middle finger and together they pleasure me to no end.

"Oh no, this payback for the way you make me feel," a slight grin spreads on his face and he places his mouth on my ear, hot breaths travel on my neck intensifying my excitement, "you see…even watching you eat makes me want you, so I figure I'd give you a taste of your own medicine." He suddenly stops, pulls his hands gently out of me, and places his index and middle finger in his mouth. A shiver runs down my spine and at this moment I can't imagine wanting anything more than Peeta's sweating body on top of mine, thrusting aggressively into me.

"Anyway" he says, the lustful expression wiped from his face, replaced by an innocent façade, "I don't want to keep you from your morning hunt. I'd love it if you can find some squirrels for tonight's dinner." Then he smiles playfully.

Damn it! My frame is still shaky with excitement; pangs of pleasure wrack my body and destroy my balance. He's serious about his payback, my body is begging for more, but I refuse to fall victim to his plot. I prop myself off the kitchen island and kiss him passionately, biting down on his bottom lip and making sure that I rub his erection with my body as much as possible. He responds accordingly with a light moan. "Two can play at that game." I say while our lips are still entwined. I feel him smiling as he kisses me back. "Game? Come one don't make me seem so lewd."

That's right, was he always like this, just how much restraint has he shown. I don't mind this side of Peeta though, the one only I know about. My Peeta, the one that will fill my body to the brim with pleasure, I guess it's my turn, "Restraint" I chant inside my head. I pull away from our kiss and tell him "Just be careful, I'm nowhere near as strong as you are", I throw a mock suspicious stare at him, in response he runs his index and middle finger along his lips lightly running his tongue through the tips of them . This excites me even more, "well I guess I should go hunting, I'll try to get some squirrels for tonight." I gather my hunting gear and head out.

Even when I reach the forest small shocks of longing surge through me, I still can't believe he's gone this far. I was scared that he would never be truly close to me again, that he would never touch me after what had happened.

Lewd? Is he really? How come I've never seen this side of him before, all those nights in the tour and before the quell, he never acted like this. I feel myself moistening. I was never like this, before him I never even thought about sex, certainly didn't feel a need for it. Am I the obscene one? I did show up at his house…naked, and as much as he tortures me, I love the excitement. Suddenly I think of Haymitch, Am I good enough for him? My mood is ruined and the excitement gone, so I focus on the task at hand, and hunt for rabbits while trying to wipe the thought from my mind.

I catch four squirrels and two game birds; one of the squirrels was exceptionally large. I'm proud of my spoils; it should be enough to cover for at least tomorrow's meal. I set some snares and make my way home.

I can't wipe the thought from my mind, am I warping him again? Do I make him a worse person?

I arrive home before realizing it, yet I don't enter the house, I don't turn door handle. I turn around and head straight to Haymitch's house. Filthy as usual, but this time the smell of rotten meat plagues his home. I head into the kitchen and see one of the game birds I left for him rotting on the counter. I throw it in the garbage and head for the living room with a pitcher of water. I don't hesitate before pouring it on his limp body. He awakes confused, swinging his knife wildly.

"WHAT THE HELL! Oh, it's you." He wipes the water angrily from his face and says "What do you want."

I ignore his question and begin to lecture him "You let a perfectly good bird go to waste. Just how the hell do you stay alive?"

"I ate the other one you left, but I didn't feel like fussing over the that one…oh and then there is your boy's bread." He grabs the bottle on the floor and tips it, hoping to collect the last of the nonexistent drops of the empty bottle, when he realizes there is nothing left to salvage he drops the bottle on the floor. "Anyway what do you want? You aren't here to check up on me so get to the point."

I take a deep breath before proceeding. "You told me that Peeta could do so much better than me…I don't disagree, but why, am I that bad for him."

A smirk spreads across his face, "trouble in paradise? Or are you just bored?"

"What a waste of my time!" I say turning away from him.

"Come on, you saw what he did to himself. Is that really what you're asking? " I can feel him staring with interest.

"Do you think I make him a worse person? I know he's too good for me, he's probably too good for most people, but am I not good enough for him?"

Haymitch laughs hardily and I can feel the alcohol smell reach me. "The hell do I know. I sure as hell don't get what he sees in you but that's his problem, I was just trying to keep him alive."

"Is that really all?" he shrugs nonchalantly and says "I guess I owed him right?"

"Right," is all I say before I leave.

I head home and turn the doorknob; the smell of bread quickly fills my senses. Peeta peaks his head from the kitchen. "Hey… you took long." He smiles and my worries melt away, but not completely.

"Yeah I caught a lot today." I show him the birds hanging from my belt and lift the bag filled with squirrels. "Guess what's in here."

His face lights up and he signals me to approach him with his index finger, I can see the look in his face, and I know where this is going. I quickly step inside and he tells me "Don't forget to lock the door." I nod as I turn around and quickly turn the lock. As I head towards him his body peaks out more from the kitchen, and that's when I realize he's shirtless, his torso barely covered by the flour stained apron.

When I finally enter the kitchen and set the bag and birds down a burning sensation overtakes my face. "Peeta!" I say surprised, he holds out a smaller apron and says pleadingly "Join me?" His naked figure stands tall before me, covered only by the apron. He wraps his arms around me placing the neck strings of the apron on my neck. He tightens his embrace and I can feel his length pressed against me, the feeling is almost too much to handle.

He begins to remove my hunting jacket and I melt along with it. Slowly he unbuttons my pants and lowers my zipper; while my pants drop he moves his hand towards my shirt and gently unbuttons it from bottom to top. That's when his hands stop, I step out of my pants and kick them away as well as my shirt, he places his hands along my waist and his mouth against my temple. "The rest is up to you beautiful."

"hu—mmnnh." He stops my words as he lands a kiss on my neck, breathing softly and letting his teeth touch my skin gently. I close my eyes and arch my neck back in response. I know what he means but can I do that? Will he really make me? When my desires are too much I slowly and shakily move my hands towards my bra, I unhook the strap and slowly slide it off. His hands travel and he places them gently on my breasts, using his thumbs to titillate my nipples giving me the courage to move my hands towards my underwear and pull them off slowly. When he sees them hit the floor he slides his hands away from my breasts and towards my waist, he grabs the strings of the apron and gently ties them. He turns me around, smiles and says "Ok let's make dinner." This time I can't control myself, "jerk!" I say playfully and slap his chest.

"Jerk? You can't mean that can you." A wide grin is painted on his face, but he is unable to hide the lustful look in his eyes. He places his hands on my lower back and pulls me tightly towards him. His hands travel down my back and settle on my buttocks. He traces the lower parts and places his hands on my inner thighs before pulling them apart. A gasp escapes my throat. He runs an index finger on the outer boundaries of my labia before spreading them open with his other fingers. With his second hand he pets the sensitive areas and gently inserts only the tip of his index, feeling the full extent of my excitement, and then he says, "if I could I would make you mine in the middle of the streets, not caring if anyone saw." He removes his fingers and licks the tip of his index once again.

I'm speechless, I'm aroused, and I want him just as badly at this moment. He begins to untie my apron and says "Soon enough Everdeen, but for making me feel so…excited, I'm removing your apron privileges." He pulls off my apron gently and smiles. "Let's make dinner."


	11. Lewd

**Ok first of all I want you guys to read the title of the chapter, it is not a pun... As it turns out I really like writing sex scenes, its really fun =D. It took a little bit longer than I expected, and some of the comments on the last chapter were way to generous but I really really appreciate them. So Reviews still tickle my pickle... yeah. So enjoy, I apologize to any conservative readers that I may have but I warn you this chapter is the most...descriptive chapter I have written yet. and I plan to keep this rolling for the last chapters, though to varying degrees.**

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><p>Chapter 11: Lewd<p>

"Are you serious?" is all I can manage to say.

"Of course I am" he says with a serious face, as if it were the most obvious thing.

"Really? Well that seems unfair doesn't it?" he looks at me amusedly and says "How so?"

I tug at the strings of his apron and say "You seem so uncomfortable."

He looks at me up and down, taking in my naked form. He bites his lip and says "No I'm fine" he smiles playfully. "So you caught some squirrels?"

I should feel awkward; I'm naked in my kitchen while Peeta analyses every inch of my body, but I don't. His presence, it calms me.

He doesn't give me a break while we cook; he presses against my back, smells my hair and lands soft kisses on my neck and shoulders. It's hard to concentrate, his hands travel across my body, open palms caress my abdomen and spread pleasure through me. As I spice the meat and simmer it his hands enter me. "Peeta….stop….the food—Mmhh Peeta" he turns me around and kisses my collar bone, then my neck, my jaw and finally my lips. He runs his tongue through my bottom lip and invites my tongue to meet his. "Peeta…the food." I say trying to pull away, but I'm powerless, my arms have no strength and I have no conviction to free myself from his embrace. I remain locked in his hold, I take in his scent; feel the muscles of his arms and chest as he covers me. I want to rip of his apron, even a thin layer of clothing seems like too much of a barrier right now.

I only break free of his touch when I am startled by the smell of smoke. "Damn it the meat! I told you it was going to burn." I feel agitated, even more so when I see the smile on his face.

"What are you so happy about? You're the one that wanted the damn squirrels." He laughs and says "Don't worry you caught four right. It's too late to start cooking now so just go to the room and grab some pillows, I'll clean up the kitchen."

"Pillows? What good will those do?"

"Just bring them to the living room; I'll meet you there in ten minutes."

I head up the stairs and grab the four pillows from my bed. I go to the living room and drop them on the couch. That is in front of the fire place.

From the kitchen I hear Peeta's voice, "Hey Katniss would you mind starting the fireplace?" I nod without realizing he can't see my response. I find matches and start a fire; it's been a while since I use it, especially now that it's spring time, though it's been unnaturally chilly at night.

I sit on the couch for a couple of minutes before Peeta enters with a bowl filled with fruits, a myriad of berries, grapes, sections of oranges, and chunks of watermelon. "That's not all" he says excitedly, setting the bowl of fruit a few feet in front of the fireplace, before returning to the kitchen. I'm about to pick some of the berries when we returns with a smaller bowl filled with a viscous white substance.

"What is that?" I ask curiously. He smiles. "Its vanilla frosting, I was planning to make a cake this week, so I prepared some and stored it in your refrigerator, it should taste great with the fruit." As he says this he settles in front of the fire along with the bowl of fruit and frosting. He looks at me, smiles and pats the space next to him. I walk towards him and drag the four pillows dropping them on his face. Before he has the chance to remove them all I straddle his torso, and shift forward settling on his chest.

"Easy Everdeen" he says laughing "why don't you have some food to settle your hunger." He accentuates the last word, as he picks a strawberry from bowl and places it on his lips. He dares me to take the fruit with his index finger. As I bend down and bite the strawberry, moistening his lips with its juices, he places his hands on my waist and swiftly flips us over, so that his torso lays half way up mine and the rest between my legs. "So…how about we eat now?" he hands me a few pillows to prop my torso slightly, we eat the fruits, and I occasionally dip them in the frosting. Delicious!

"The frosting is delicious Peeta" he looks at me and asks "really?" I nod and says "I guess I should taste it." He scoops a small amount with his finger and runs a line across my stomach. "Hey!" I say reacting sharply. Peeta props himself up and passes his tongue flatly across the covered areas. The feeling is something I hadn't felt before. "Anything else I should taste?"

"Maybe you should try it with some fruit" I say laughing. "But you just taste so much better" he says raising his eyebrows. I look at him lustfully and say "what about me? Don't I get to taste something besides fruit," as I tug on the strings of the apron. He laughs and sits on his knees in front of me. He unties the knot and pulls the apron over his head, revealing his erection, standing firm and strong. His face reddens as he realizes that I can completely see him, "I guess you're not scared to see me nude anymore."

"Not the slightest bit" I say huskily, biting gently on my bottom lip. He collapses forward once again settling his chest on my navel, but this time it's different, the sensation of skin on skin is delightful, and my knees grow weak as his smooth and scarred skin rubs gently against my own.

I dip my finger in the frosting and run it across the exposed upper region of his chest. "My turn to taste, right?"

"Right." He answers as he starts to drag his body, creeping forward slowly, before his chest is anywhere near my mouth the tip of his penis rubs gently against my clitoris instantly causing me to moan. His reaction is a low groan. He's nearly straddling my torso when I press mine against his and slowly run my tongue across his chest, collecting the sweet cream.

I feel his erection against my stomach and gently pass my fingers along the length of his shaft. This catches him off guard and he jumps slightly before releasing a soft moan, "Katniss…." The sound of his voice, so thrilled is exhilarating, it makes me feel powerful. He pulls back to his initial position and kisses my stomach.

"You're so beautiful" he says analyzing my torso.

"No, I'm scarred" I say, remembering all my wounds. They did the best they could in the capitol but some damage can never be fully fixed.

He shakes his head in disagreement and says "No, you couldn't be any more exquisite, or sexy."

Sexy? I've never been called that before, even by Peeta. For a moment I feel overwhelmed by emotion, but I know if I cry he'll completely misunderstand.

"You're just too good." I say barely audible. He looks at me perplexed then kisses the skin below my belly button. "I always thought I wasn't good enough…for you."

I prop myself to see his face but he doesn't look up at me, instead he keeps his face fixated on my navel, I look at his wavy blonde locks draping lightly over my lower abdomen. I'm not sure what to say, I don't want to relive all the moments I've proven to be the cause of his troubles and I'm sure he doesn't either. Instead I place my hands on his face and "You're too good for most in Paneem Peeta. I could live multiple lifetimes and still not deserve you." I feel his face become very warm on my hands.

He shift downward and kisses my thigh gently. A breathy sigh escapes me. "I love you Katniss" as he says this he kisses my inner thighs letting his breath spread shivers of pleasure in each one. "Your voice, your eyes, your passion, your way of thinking, everything" he says as he places my legs over his shoulder and pulls me closer to him. He extends his arms and entwines his fingers with mine. "Every time you're near me, my body feels like it's going out of control, you turn me on so much." I feel his breath, hot and heavy, stimulating me, making me drenched with longing. He lets go of my hands and sets them on my knees, slowly, painfully so, he parts my legs further, and with his fingers he parts my lips and runs his tongue along the length of them. "aAaAaaAHhH! Peeta!" I yell instantly.

He surrounds me with his mouth, running his tongue gently but firmly along the sensitive flesh, sucking softly and landing soft wet kisses on my clitoris. The sensation is unbelievable. In a moment of passion I pull his hair roughly and drag him until his face meets mine. I land a deep kiss, and for the first time taste myself, it's peculiar. "I'm surprised you didn't use frosting" I say playfully while dipping my finger in the bowl and liking the frosting off my finger as provocatively as I can, and failing miserably. "I didn't want to ruin the taste of you, it's my absolute favorite" he says then licks a bit of frosting that collected on the edge of my bottom lip, savors it and says "nope, you taste much better."

I don't know how to respond, how can I respond? Words were always Peeta's strong point; even in this situation he can drive me crazy without a single touch. I wonder how he knows what to say and do… even that night, he took control, he seemed so knowledgeable. HE CAN'T HAVE! I think to myself, desperately trying to remove the thought from my mind and not ruin the mood. My face betrays me.

"Katniss? Are you alright" he says with a troubled look painted on his face. "I'm fine, don't stop." I say quickly snapping out of my daze, but it's enough to worry him, after that night, I can't blame him. He pulls way and sits in front of me, his legs over mine allowing our bodies to be extremely close even though without actually touching.

"Katniss what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Why did you stop?"

He sighs deeply and says "I didn't really want to talk about this, especially not now but I really think we need to…to be able to progress." He takes a deep breath "I'm still a little scared."

"Peeta…" I say softly.

"Katniss I know what I feel, but…I don't know what you feel, and even though I wish I could I can't know what you feel. That night I felt complete, I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I gave everything I could to you…" he looks me straight in the eyes and says "I don't want to feel that way again and then wake up to see you regret it!"

Anger boils inside me. "Peeta!" I say sharply, jarring him out of his melancholy. Immediately I regret it though, I have no right to get angry…still he has no right to make assumptions like that. "That night…I was confused, I've been confused for a long time and no matter how much I tell myself that Coin and Snow are dead, that the capitol won't and can't bring the games back I still felt that anyone I loved would be taken away, like my father, my mother and Pr…" I stop myself, there is no need to even get into that matter, I'm more then sure he completely knows. "Don't you dare tell me that I regretted it, especially after saying you don't know what I feel!" I see him start to open his mouth but before he does I feel my eyes begin to tear, and I just let it out, all my frustrations "I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm so so sorry that I didn't stay that morning, that I didn't admit to myself what I know now. I love you Peeta, when I'm with you my life is different; you make me feel like I don't have to be afraid, like I can be happy, no, you make me happy. So don't tell me I regretted one of the most meaningful and beautiful moments of my life! Damn it! Why is it that I can only express myself when I'm angry?" Tears are running down Peeta's cheeks, he places both hands on my face and pulls me in for a kiss. My body is pressed tightly against his, and I wrap my arms around his waist pressing his groin against mine, restoring his conviction, and mine. He pulls away and looks me in the eyes "Because you're Katniss Everdeen. Because you're passionate, it makes you real and beautiful, and I love that about you."My anger melts away, but part of me wants to stay mad.

I lunge forward and push him roughly against the floor, putting all my weight into his shoulders. He falls back stunned, slowly I let my body fall on top of his, and line my flesh with his now potent erection, as I lower my body the pressure of my flesh against his is enough to drive me crazy. The expression on his face, his satisfied groans, fills me with a triumphant joy. Slowly I move my hands from his shoulders to his chest and push my body away, sliding downward and further stimulating him. "Mmmh! Katn—ssss!" Your turn to be at a loss of words! I think to myself proudly. When my head has aligned with his groin, I firmly grab his erection and squeeze gently. "KATNISS!" he says, quickly propping himself up on his elbows, his face as red as that first night. I smile and open my fingers then run my tongue up from the bottom of his shaft, pressing my lips gently at the tip of his penis. His eyes are wild; I've never seen him like this. "What?" I say innocently.

He can't control the grin on his face, the quivering of his lips, and the now rosy flush that is spread on his cheeks. He closes his eyes and his head falls back. I deepen my kiss and take the head of his penis into my mouth, briskly titillating it with my tongue. I look up to the sight of the muscles in his abdomen, chest, and shoulders twitching. He gives up, letting himself fall flat on the floor, arms spread wide apart. I close my grip and begin to rhythmically move my hands, up and down, up and down, while my tongue draws circles on the tip of his penis. "Katnisss!" he cries out softly between moans. He places the palms of his hands over his eyes and says "You're going to kill me if you keep this up Everdeen. Is that what you want?"

I release my grip and prop myself on my arms so that I hover over his body on all fours. "Kill is such an ugly word" I say in a mocking tone "but maybe I am getting a little payback." He suddenly pulls his palms away from his eyes and says laughing "is that how it is?" I smile in response. In one quick movement he places his left hand behind my head, hooks his good leg behind mine and flips me over, carefully easing my head so I don't hit the floor. I forgot he use to wrestle. "You're going to have to work for it…if you want payback." He reaches for a strawberry and places it in him mouth, grinning. "Don't get cocky Mellark, you know I've always been a fighter." I smile sweetly and use my legs to knock him off balance, when he falls I roll myself on top of him.

"Fine, fine you win." He says laughing hardily. I grin triumphantly and turn around so my back faces him, I bend towards his groin and place my lips on the tip of his penis, he moans, slowly I move my head, traveling slowly down his shaft, my tongue massaging the flesh softly. He arches his back in response. I build up slowly to a steady rhythm but I lose it when he wraps his hands on my waist, pulling my hips closer to his torso. "Peeta?" I barely have time to say before he presses a hardy kiss against my sensitive flesh. His tongue travels roughly against me, he sucks the flesh gently and stretches it as he pulls his kiss away. With his tongue he penetrates me periodically then stretches it along the length of my labia, slapping and teasing my clitoris softly with the tip of his tongue before running it back and penetrating me once again. My legs shiver with weakness but I refuse to give in. I start to move quickly and place my hand below my lips, mimicking the movements of my head. I tease the tip of his penis with my tongue, and with every lick his hot breath stimulates me. His grip tightens on my waist and I can tell that the pleasure is becoming too much for him. He places a thumb on my clitoris and jerks it quickly while his tongue frantically runs down the length of my parted lips.

"oOooH Pee—" I throat a muffled sound. I feel my face become flush and a sensational fatigue overtakes me, Peeta removes his hands and wraps his lips over as much of me as he can, his tongue never stopping. My legs give out and I collapse on his chest, a triumphant Peeta lets his head fall, I look back and see him running his tongue sloppily along his lips while laughing weakly between staggered breaths and moans. "Katniss! Ka—I'm going to—oh! Katniss please!" I don't stop, payback feels so good.

For the first time I taste Peeta, the taste is much different from mine, but I prefer it over my own. "Katniss I'm sorry I tried to tell you oh..god." I hear the muffled words from a blushing Peeta covering his face. I don't know what comes over me but when I see his face I swallow. I lie down next to him and place my head on his chest while I allow my hands to trace lines on his twitching member.

"Katniss did you?" I smile and say "I wouldn't add vanilla frosting to you either."

I don't know this side of me, and I'm sure Peeta is as equally surprised but this is what he does to me. He pulls the pillows that were scattered on the floor and places one under my head and the other under his. "I love you." Peeta says as he wraps his arms around me. "I love you too" I say as I let fatigue overcome my body and fall deep into sleep.


	12. Doubts

**Almost done. Sorry if this chapter is kind of fluffy. But yeah As Always Reviews are Appreciated. So yup. =D**

**Also its taking a little longer to upload, I've had a full schedule lately.**

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><p>Chapter 12: Doubts<p>

In the morning Peeta isn't next to me, the fire is out; the bowls of fruit and vanilla frosting are gone. I'm covered in sheets and for a moment I'm scared that it was all a dream. But I know it happened, and it sets my soul alight.

"Peeta?" I say aloud. Fumbling through the room with the sheets wrapped tightly around my body.

There is no answer. Did he go somewhere? No, he would tell me if he did. I enter the kitchen but he's not there. Did he leave? Maybe this time he regretted it…wouldn't I deserve it?

"Peeta?" I say nearing a yell. Still no answer.

"The bedroom" I say aloud. I climb the stairs and as I open the door I hear the shower being turned off, and a few seconds later a flushed Peeta exits the bathroom naked and stumbling as he shakes the towel on his head to dry his hair. I clear my throat to catch his attention.

Instantly he pulls the towel off his head and places it on his shoulders. I'm not sure why but seeing him naked makes me blush. He laughs at the sight of my red face and places the towel around his waist. He walks to me kisses my forehead and says "Don't tell me you've lost your courage" in a playful tone.

I pull the towel and as it falls to the floor I press myself against him, dropping the sheets I had wrapped around me and hug his nude frame with mine. "Hey…" a smile is spread across my face. I press my face against his chest and take in his smell. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Sorry, I wanted to take a shower and you looked so beautiful and peaceful sleeping…I didn't want to bother you."

"You shouldn't say that so often, I might start believing you." He lifts me onto his arms and spins me gently "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, you're perfect."

"You're in trouble" I say. He looks me with an amused look on his face and says "really why?"

My face instantly goes red, should I bring up my doubts? "Nevermind" I say smiling playfully trying to hide my initial expression. "What?" he says still laughing.

In my mind I tell him all. I thought you left this morning because you regretted what we did. That weird face I made last night was because I thought you seemed to know a lot about sex. Were you a virgin our first time? Who could you have possibly been with? Should that even matter? It's not like he had to be faithful to a fake relationship while I was off kissing Gale. Still if he had he shouldn't pretend to be so innocent with me…

"Nothing I was just trying to be charming…did it work?" he spins me once more and says "Well…charm has never been your strong suit" in a teasing tone before landing a soft kiss on my lips.

"Did you have a nice shower?" I say trying to quickly change the subject.

"So nice…in fact…" an impish look spreads on his face.

"Peeta?"

"Katniss?" he says mimicking my tone with and innocent face. He tightens his grip around me and slowly starts to walk towards the bathroom.

"Peeta? What are you doing?" I say curiously alert.

"Nothing!" he says, a wicked smile spreading across his face.

"Stop Peeta." I shrill while holding back laughter.

He inches closer and closer to the bathroom, slowly, until he enters the glass stall and turns on the shower. Chilly water hits us making me squeal in surprise.

I slap his chest with my hands as the water gradually warms, surrounding us in steam.

"You jerk!" I say laughing.

"I'm just helping you shower." He sets me down slowly and uses the soap to slowly lather my body, taking extra time to massage my breasts, arms, and thighs.

A soft moan escapes me and I let my head hang back lazily, resting it on his shoulders; he presses against me and kisses my neck, still massaging my soaking body.

"So this is what you call a shower?" I say with a breathy voice. He turns me around and passes two fingers gently between my legs, and with small circular motions arouses the sensitive skin.

"I'll call this anything you want." He whispers in my ears. The combination of the hot water, his breath on my ears and his fingers between my legs makes me feverish with pleasure.

I lean in for a kiss and say "If this is how you shower and please, wake me up every time." He smiles and presses his lips against mine, retracts his hands and pulls me into a deep hug. "Ok, I'm sorry I didn't wake you up. I'll make it up to you."

"Really…how do you plan to do that?" I ask with a raised eyebrow, fully knowing his answer.

"Well…" he lingers on the words as he traces lines on my stomach, his fingers dancing lower and lower on my body. He stops just bellow my bellybutton and says "I'll make you a great breakfast" before quickly slipping out of the shower.

As he closes the door of the stall I say "don't tell me you're still trying to get payback? I thought I won that fight?" He opens the stalls and peaks his head in, "Really I thought it was more of a stalemate…" he bites his lips softly before continuing, "That is if I remember correctly."

I laugh and say "oh? So you're just being a tease?"

He shakes his head in disapproval. "Me? No. But I have to stay practiced don't you agree?" He smirks slyly and escapes from the bathroom.

His words linger longer than they should, and that thought returns to me. Practiced? I think to myself. Does that mean that he HAS practiced? How would he know all he does? Last night...

Images of a sweating Peeta falling back on the floor, his chest rising and falling quickly as he laughs and licks his lips sloppy flash in my head, sending small pangs of pleasure through my legs; has he done something like that before? With who? When? Hasn't he been in love with me since he was a child?

"Shut up Katniss!" I say to myself, allowing the water to wash the thoughts from my mind.

Even if he had, it's not like he's doing it now, so I have no right to judge him. Besides Peeta wouldn't lie to me, especially about something like that.

Then again it's not like if I'd brought it up, and he has no obligation to bring it up either. He was popular in school, he was the son of a merchant, and maybe he used that to his advantage, to help him get over me. I think he's told me that he's had girlfriends before.

The maelstrom of worries in my head quickly changes my mood, the butterflies are replaced by acid, and my feelings twist to something else. Jealousy? Over his past encounters? Why wouldn't he tell me? Why isn't he telling me? Does he think I'm irrational? Or maybe that I'm too unstable to handle the knowledge!

"Hmph!" I sound to myself, determined to confront him about his lack to communication.

I close the tap and storm out of the shower, drying myself hastily, gaining momentum. I dress myself quickly, braid my hair as quickly as possible. Storm down the stairs. Reach the kitchen, he's serving breakfast already.

I enter the kitchen with a determined stride, sit on the table, and stare intently at the back of his head, ready to let him know that I'm on to him, to accuse him of thinking me weak. After all, how dare he! I am strong and rational if anything.

When he turns around to set the plates of food on the kitchen Island, he sees me, his first instinct is to smile warmly.

"Hey…did you have a nice shower?"

My face burns red hot. Damn! I think to myself. Why did I suddenly believe that I would have the words to say.

"Katniss?" he says, raising a quizzical eyebrow. "Are you ok."

"Fine!" I say, shakily from frustration.

Breakfast is awkward, I stare at him eat, thinking how I will bring about my questions, without sounding like an insane woman. Occasionally his eyes meet mine, and I see confusion reflect on them. Awkward and silent.

When we finish he offers to clean up and I retreat to the living room, I don't have to hunt today because of the extra game I caught. But part of me considers going out anyway.

"Hey, with all the extra game you caught yesterday, you won't need to go out today." Says Peeta, his voice laced with mischief, "What should we do with the extra time."

I should ignore the voices in my head go to bed with this man and finish what we started this morning in the shower. Instead I say "I was thinking of going out to the woods anyway…to set some snares or something."

His face immediately changes; he doesn't seem to buy my excuse. "Oh" he says with an edge of rejection "Yeah, yeah sure. If you want, that's fine."

"Yeah, I won't take long." Guilt instantly pooling inside me.

I get my gear and reluctantly go. The woods offer little comfort. I sit in my old meeting spot and think. Why am I acting like this? I go over the details in my head, the irrational issues that I've created on my own. Why am I doing this? It takes a couple of hours before I decide to return, and when I do I find Peeta, nervously cooped in the study, struggling to get the lines of my eyes down on paper.

I knock on the door and he attempts to hide the paper for some reason, but when he realizes that I already saw it, frustrations and all he smiles weakly.

"I was trying to draw you but I couldn't get your eyes right…that hasn't happened to me before, not being able to draw YOU I mean." He stares at the paper for a moment before speaking again. "How were the woods?" A strange question that makes me think he's misunderstanding me once again.

"Fine, what do you mean?"

"Nothing." He answers quickly.

I know I should apologize, for rejecting him, for not explaining the situation, because it's not his fault. But I know if I do that means that I've done something wrong, and I don't think I have. Still guilt plagues me.

The silence between us is suffocating, but I don't know what to say. Finally Peeta crumbles the paper and looks me straight in the eye. "What's going on Katniss? You didn't go to the woods to set up snares and I don't know what I've done wrong. Just – tell me. Please."

My face goes red once more; I don't want to talk about this.

"Katniss!" He says firmly. When no answer comes, he throws the crumbled paper in the trash and begins to storm out of the study.

"Did–" the words stick to my tongue. "Was I your first? Don't lie." I can feel my face burning.

"What?" he says with a tone of humor in his voice.

"You heard me, answer me." I stand my ground, stubbornly. "Well?"

A grin is painted on his face now. I feel like I should slap it off his face.

"Is that why you're mad at me?" He says struggling to hold back laughter.

"Don't laugh at me" I say aggravated.

He gets close to me still laughing. I feel the heat dissipate from my face and travel to my hands. The closer he gets, smirk on his face, the angrier I get. He stands squarely in front of me cornering me against the desk. Instincts take over and before I realize my hand has planted squarely on his cheek. His face registers shock, then anger. His eyes glazed.

He most forward suddenly nearly pinning me against the desk. "What the hell is your problem?" He yells firmly. I slam my fists against his chest as hard as I can but he doesn't move. "Tell me! When are you going to wake up and not be completely different from the day before? Is it me? Is that the problem?" I want to yell at him, tell him I know his past, know about his encounters.

He stares at me, frustration in his eyes, "you're such a frustrating person!" I'm about to yell at him when he presses his lips furiously against mine. His forcefulness is shocking, but I welcome his touch all the same, even angry.

"Answer my question." I say catching my breath.

"Why are you asking that Katniss? Why would it even matter?" he says, his voice now more annoyed than frustrated.

Embarrassment takes me over. "I—I just need to know."

He looks away and says "What do you think?" He breathes out slowly; "Who would even want me?" his eyes grow sad as he grips his prosthetic leg, more damage that even capitol technology couldn't completely heal.

Instantly I know I've done him wrong. There are so many subjects that we can't speak to each other about, but it's impossible to coexist without addressing them. The strength seems drained from his body, and he slouches slightly as he creates a small distance between us, struggling not to look me in the eyes.

There is a small pause, awkward and stagnant. And I realize that if I don't do something about it now, this meaningless pause will grow into something much more menacing.

I wrap my arms tightly around his waist and bury my face in his chest. "I do." I say softly.

He doesn't respond.

"I do Peeta, I do. Don't say that." I look up to his face and I see small tears, pooling in the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over.

"Don't, Please don't cry, I'm sorry. Forget it ok, I was just being stupid." I say frantically, I can't bear to see him hurt because of me again.

He looks away and wipes his tears away. "Katniss…" he says barely audibly, "…was I…did you and Ga—" he stops abruptly.

I can't stop the astonishment that registers on my face. "No! Never! Peeta!" As I say this I see relief wash over his face, though he tries to hide it from me.

Has this been on his mind before?

"You're the only b—man I've ever had—made love to. Why would you even think that?" I feel my mouth stumble on every word, and part of me can't believe that I should even have to say it. I feel my throat becoming heavy but I decide to continue. "You told me that you've had other girlfriends before…" I can feel his eyes locked on the top of my head as I look down at his chest. "How do you know so much? About that…" I say, my voice becoming weaker and weaker with every word. My face burns hot, and I can't look at him.

In response he places his finger under my chin and tilts my head up planting a soft kiss on my lips. "Thank you! I'm sorry I even thought that it's just…how you make me feel, I know I'm not the only one that you've made feel that way…I'm sorry ok, let's make dinner." He kisses me on the forehead and grabs my hand, leading out of the study.

I'm relieved the moment is over, that we can go back to normal, but a persistent thought nags at me from the back of my mind. He didn't answer my question!

As we prepare dinner, the game bird from the previous day, I can't help but wonder why he didn't want to answer, he did imply that he hadn't…didn't he? He said no one would want him. Did he mean because of his leg? What about before that, before the games, or after I told him that it was all a charade for our survival?

As he cooks I shoot suspicious glares at him, carefully timed so he doesn't realize what I am doing. He eats with hunger; no doubt he hasn't eaten anything since I left this morning. Neither have I but I don't have much of an appetite right now. There is no exchange between us.

After dinner he offers to clean the dishes and pots and as punishment for withholding information from me I make no effort to help him. I go to the living room and sit on the couch in front of the fireplace. Summer is coming, I think to myself.

It's all but half an hour before Peeta joins me on the couch. His hands pruned from cleaning. "Katniss is there something else on your mind?" he asks with a worried look.

I don't want to answer, I don't want to seem petty or insecure, I shouldn't even have a doubt about how much he loves me. I don't, but I want to know. "You didn't really answer my question before, about how became so 'practiced'." I tell him, making sure to emphasize the last word, so he remembers what he told me this morning.

His face becomes red.

"Peeta?" I say accusingly.

"Katniss, I haven't been with anyone else, ever. You are the only one that I have ever been with, and the only one that I will ever want." He tells me nervously.

"Are you lying to me?" I say, taking in his reddened complexion and nervous tone.

"No, no why would I ever lie to you. I never have, especially about something like this." He assures me confidently, which shift my suspicion to curiosity.

"Then why won't you answer my question." I say with a quizzical expression.

"It's personal…"

"Personal?" I say slightly aggravated. "After everything we've been through, everything we've done?" It's a cheap shot, especially since there are topics that he would never ask me precisely for the same reason, but I want to know.

He lets out a deep sigh and says "Katniss…"

"Fine!" I say annoyed, and for the rest of the afternoon I decide to act cold towards him. I don't even say anything when I decide to go to bed. Even when I reach the room and realize that he hasn't followed me.

I close the door and change out of my daytime clothes, dropping my hunting boots, pants, and jacket sloppily on the floor. I remove my bra so that I'm only in my underwear, and take one of Peeta's large t shirts.

I lie in bed cold and alone. Even when he's in the house with me I feel unsafe and insecure when he doesn't have his arms wrapped tightly around me. An hour later I am at my breaking point, physically needing Peeta to caress me, to make me feel complete, and that's when I hear his loud footsteps on the stairway. He opens the door slowly, and tries to step lightly on the floor. I hear him, kicking his shoes off, and the rustling of his shirt and pants as they fall to the floor.

He slides into bed slowly and curls his body behind mine.

"Do you really need to know Katniss? I'll tell you, I'll tell you anything you want to know about me. Please don't be mad at me, Ok?" His voice sounds defeated.

I turn around quickly to face him. Appalled at how much my treatment has affected him.

"No Peeta you don't have to. I'm sorry I didn't mean this to get so out of hand, you just—I'm a stubborn person ok. But you don't need to tell me if you don't want to."

He smiles at me and kisses my nose. "The reason it was personal is because…I didn't want to seem…" he pauses to swallow, "I didn't you to know how much I wanted you…"

I don't really understand his meaning, and it apparently showed because he takes in a deep breath and continues; his reddened face barely visible in the dim light of the room. "Even before the games, you know I loved you." I nod. "Even before that, I've imagined you completely. I use to…THINK about what I would do to you if I could. How I would touch you, I dreamed about kissing every single inch of your body." My face reddens as his words pick up momentum. "After we were reaped…being in a room so close to you. Unable to tell you how I felt or touch you. I couldn't deal with it, In my mind I have made love to you a thousand times, I have wanted to do so many things to you for so long. Every time I get the chance, I will do anything to make you feel the way you make me feel." The determination in his voice is betrayed by the redness spread across his cheeks.

I kiss him on the lips and whisper in his ear "When you first started sleeping here, I wanted you so badly." The heat from his cheeks spreads to mine. "I didn't want to push you until you were ready so I would touch myself in the bathroom and fantasize they were your hands." I feel my face, burning along with his. All doubts wiped from my mind, and hopefully from his.


	13. Request and Thanks

So hi guys, I'm sorry if anyone expected this to be the next chapter, but that's coming up soon as well. I just wanted to take a moment to thank anyone who has kept up with this FanFic and put up with me. I really would like to thank all those of you who put this story in alert and favorites, I really really appreciate it. This is my first story here and its nice to see it be received. Also A special thanks to all those of you who Reviewed, especially those who commented more than once, its kept me going. I really appreciate it.

Also I would like to ask you all a tinee tiny favor, so this story

.net/s/7061047/1/Dropping_your_Heart

is really awesome and I just got word that the authors are considering dropping it because of the lack of reviews, so if you could take some time out of your schedule and check it out, and if you like it please leave a review to let them know how good it is.

Again thanks for all your support, it was a lot more than I expected and deserve lol so I really appreciate that you've read this story. So to all my fellow hunger games fanatics, especially the crazy obsessed ones who are 300,000% Team Peeta… thank you lol, it's good to know I'm not alone in my insanity.


	14. Secrets

**First of all I have to say Holy Crap. So this is the last chapter and I can't believe how sad I am, I never thought I would get so attached to it, but I was scared that if I stretched it out any longer it would ruin it. So here it is, its not a steamy chapter, I wanted to end it on a sweet note. So I have one little request from you guys, I really want to know if it was a good way to end it. Because I don't want to regret ending it. So again I really really really am thankful for all the support that you guys have given me, its more than I deserve and ever expected. I really Appreciate all those Reviews, and Alerts, and Fav's. So yeah...I hope you guys have had as much fun reading as I've had writing, so good bye for now and thank you.**

* * *

><p>Chapter 13: Secrets<p>

Passion.

Sometimes I wake up and I can't believe it's a part of my life, my traumatic, broken life. Since we had our last argument we've only become closer, we are together for all but the entire day. Even when I hunt, I hurry to try and catch him before he finishes baking. An old pleasure replaced by a new one. It seems right though, the forest always felt as if it wasn't just mine; too much of Gale lingers there. It's lost its comfort and returned to being nothing more than a source of sustenance. It bothered me at first, even though my old life was full of ghosts I didn't want to forget it, I didn't want to grow complacent and forget that at any moment my world could be taken away, Peeta could be taken away.

It was two weeks after our argument, in retrospect it's a bitter sweet moment, I hate that even then we had doubts, but the result, what we have now, is something I never imagined I'd have. Peeta was baking and I had returned from hunting early. I sat in the kitchen and watched his hands, squeezing and releasing, slowly driving into the dough and twisting it as he kneaded it. It was captivating, to see him work, as the light softly landed on his hands, the way his eyes focused and determined. It was nearly ten minutes before he noticed my presence.

"Hey, I didn't notice you there." He says, meeting my eyes only for a moment before returning to his work. "You got back early today."

I couldn't help but feel I was intruding. "Yeah…I caught a couple of rabbits early on and the snares I had set had yesterday had some squirrels so there was no point lingering. " I said, hoping my thorough explanation was enough to excuse my presence.

"Wow great, so we're set for a few days then."

"Yeah." I said, an overtone of excitement lacing my voice. He turns around smiling with a surprised look, and he looks at me for a minute before speaking again. "You sound happy about that."

"I haven't felt like going hunting lately." I say matter-of-factly. He flashes me a concerned look.

"Are you feeling sick?"

"No I just prefer to stay here with you." I barely finish my sentence before I realized what I said. Peeta walks away from the bread and presses his lips softly against mine. "I'm glad to hear that." The smile is spread almost to his ears. "Do you mind if I watch you bake?" I ask him tentatively. He passes a flour riddled finger across my cheek before kissing me gently. "Nothing would make me happier." I smile with the same fervor and allow him to return to his work once again becoming captivated by the grace of his hands. I let out a breathy sigh and completely relax, something that I couldn't really do unless I was about to make a kill.

Our life has become beautifully uncomplicated, and more then that is has become ours, despite the nightmares that creep in at night and after effects from the trauma. Peeta still has slight episodes now and again but he hasn't allowed me to witness them, he says that he doesn't want to burden me with them, but I've seen him once before in the study, clenching the edge of the chair as his eyes dash wildly under his eyelids. I remember crying, but when I mentioned it to him he told me that he never wanted to be the reason that I cried so he deals with them on his own. Still after that day when the rare episodes do return I give him space, but watch him closely ready to assist in any way I can.

Life is returning to district 12.

There are still times that I can't believe people return but I understand, this place is home, especially for those who still have family, this is all they know. I often fear that those returning will recognize, in fact I know they do. I know they blame me for the destruction of the only place they could call home, but Peeta reassures me that they don't blame me, that they blame the Capitol and Snow. He even began to send give fresh bread to the families when they arrived, as a welcome home present of sorts. At first I never went with him, afraid that they would turn down any bread that has been in my presence, but after a while I realized that they were just happy to feel welcomed.

This has become our life, ours.

I have to remind myself in the shower that it's real sometimes, that this isn't a dream. Because of me, the district was destroyed; thousands of people were killed. Peeta lost his leg, his sanity. Still they don't hate me. He doesn't hate me. He reminds me every day of his love, when he embraces me after a nightmare, when he makes love to me like it's the first and last time, when he kisses me gently, passionately, roughly, even frustrated. When he sees me naked and kisses my scars, telling me that I'm beautiful. This is our life.

Months pass and winter's grasp reached us. One night, while we lay entwined in front of the fire, I look at Peeta and realize he's watching me intently.

"How come you still do that?" I ask him.

He gives me a quizzical look and says "Do what?" The innocence in his eyes makes me smile.

"Look at me. With that look, like if you haven't seen me in a long time."

"Does it bother you?" he asks with confusion on his face.

"No!" I say quickly "It's not that, I love it, I just want to know what you're thinking." His face relaxes and he says "I just can't believe you're with me. All these months, I still can't believe you wake up and don't regret that you're with me. You're perfect, you're beautiful, smart, kind, and yet you choose to be with me." His eyes reflect the light of the fire as he says this making him seem like less of a man and more of an angel.

His words stir something in me, a wild feeling across my body, something I can't explain. I quickly sit up and pull him up with me until he's sitting directly in front of me. Alarm spreads to his face momentarily but quickly subsides. "Peeta?" I say hesitantly "I love you."

He smiles happily before saying "I love you too," and kissing my forehead gently, his lips lingering on my skin.

I pull away and look intently into his powerful eyes. "Ask me." I say confidently.

"What?" he says furrowing his eyebrows closely together in confusion.

"Ask me Peeta, I won't say no, please ask me."

"Katniss what are you talking about?" before he has the chance to formulate another word I interrupt, "Please ask me, before YOU wake up and regret being with me, ask me and I promise I'll say yes, I won't be like I have in the past, please ask me." My voice is become crazed with desperation, I don't want him to leave, ever. A strange look of realization spreads across his face and for a moment his eyes widen in surprise. "Katniss what are you saying?" he says hesitantly.

"I'm saying that I want you to ask me, please, before you realize how wrong you are, before you start to notice how ugly my scars are, and how selfish I am, and how stupid I've been." I feel my eyes tearing and Peeta presses his forehead against mine. "Katniss I would never—"

"Ask me!" I interrupt once again, almost demanding "Ask me and I swear I won't regret it ever. I need you to a—" suddenly he pulls me into his embrace, and with his mouth close to my ear he says "Marry me. Marry me Katniss and be mine!"

I can't control the tears anymore; I look at his yes and desperately kiss him. When I pull away I see his face and for a moment I don't understand why he won't look away. "Yes!" I say almost scared that I've given him time to reconsider; I break into a laughter and repeat "Yes Peeta yes!"

His eyes tear and he pulls me into his embrace once again "I'll never change my mind; no amount of torture will ever change how I feel about you Ok?" I don't answer; I only nod my head that is buried deep in the recess of his neck. When I pull away I look straight in to his eyes and hesitate a moment before saying "tonight?"

"Tonight?" he says surprised. "Yes, tonight." I answer with determination.

"Katniss…are you sure you want this?"

"Yes" I says instantly "I'm sure, but I want this to be our moment and no one else's. I've had to share too many of our moments and I don't want to anymore."

A soft look takes over his face. "Ok. Tonight." I smile happily and spring to my feet. I run to the kitchen and return with a sliced bread. Peeta becomes noticeably nervous.

"Second thoughts?" I say playfully but nervous that he'll confirm my fears.

"Never." He says smiling, and making an effort to calm his nervous appearance. He runs his hands through his hair and tries to straighten out some unruly strands.

I sit in front of him and set the plate close to the fireplace. "Are you ready?" I ask while anxiously smiling. I can't help but feel like a child. He swallows slowly and nods his head softly, never once pulling his gaze from mine.

The ceremony brings tears of joy to my eyes while we toast the bread and to feed it each other. "Katniss" Peeta says softly "I love you." He's a genius when it comes to words, even something so simple, it was perfect. I go through declarations of love in my head, ways to explain how he makes me feel, even apologies for all the times I've wronged him, but in the end turn up empty handed. "I love you too." Is all I manage to say, but I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to express my feelings in my own words.

Still Peeta smiles uncontrollably and presses his lips amorously to mine. "Peeta? Why is that enough?"

"Because I love you." he says matter-of-factly.

"You really are a too good." I say and I lunged myself towards him and bury him deep with my kisses.

That night was beautiful, we barely slept, we just lied in front of the fire and looked into each other's eyes, trying our hardest to reach into one another's souls.

I awoke alone in the morning, covered by a thick comforter.

"Hey you're awake." Peeta says as he enters the room with a steaming cup in each hand. "I was just about to wake you up."

He hands me one of the cups which is filled with peppermint tea. I breath it in deeply and the let steam warm my face before taking a cautious sip. "Thank you…" I pause "I was afraid you remembered what we did and ran away."

"I was going to but you woke up and caught me." He says laughing.

"Good thing I woke up then."

"So, second thoughts? I know you were afraid of this." He says as walks over to the fire and lights a few logs of the already burned wood. "No second thoughts." I answer.

He sits next to me and tugs at the comforter, and I wrap it gently around him. "I'm still scared though. I don't think I'll ever stop being afraid." He stares at the small fires rising from the embers and says "I'm a little bit scared too. But I don't care. I'm will never regret last night. Thank you Katniss."

"For marrying you?" is say perplexed.

"No" he says smiling "For making me brave enough to be happy."

I feel my body shudder with happiness. "I love you, so much Peeta I can't believe it's not a dream sometimes." I meet his lips with mine before saying "Thank you for making me happier than I ever thought I deserved to be."

I drank the tea slowly, and in between sips his lips awaited mine. When the room warms up we decide to start our day, Peeta bakes and I decide to go out, we have enough food for today's dinner but there's someone I need to speak to.

On my way out I grab my coat, but the cold weather still catches me off guard. It's not very far, but the unpleasant weather makes the walk to Haymitch's house a bigger chore than it really is.

He sits in his living room surprisingly lucid. "Strange, I thought I would have wake you up some water. Shame."

He looks at me for a moment sizing me up. He scoffs and says "I'm waiting for the train to bring my liquor, so don't tell me you came to piss me off."

"I came to talk to you, but I'm not sure how much I want to. Do you mind?"

"Spill it! What do you want." He says with an exasperated tone.

"How are you?" I say to break the tension.

"I'm just peachy. How's the boy?" he says nonchalantly.

"I'm good too. And don't call him the boy." I say sharply "Peeta is doing well. We…" I trail off, I'm not completely sure I want Haymitch to know, though I feel he deserves too, instead I say "have you spoken to him lately."

He points at some bread on the kitchen counter which is barely visible through the wreckage he's left behind. "He's brought me bread, we've been speaking, well, he's been talking."

"Good." I say. "I'll bring you some game next time I go hunting, just make sure it doesn't go to waste again."

"Yeah" he grumbles in a barely audible voice.

I start to make my way for the door, and before I leave I say "Oh, Peeta and I got married last night….I thought you might want to know." I feel nervous as I say those words; Haymitch is the only one that has tried to protect Peeta, even if it was in his own dysfunctional way. I was scared he would be able to put a negative spin on my actions, sullying our happiness.

He says nothing as I walk out. It's not until I'm on his lawn that he comes out of the house. He flinches as the cold hits his body. "I hope you didn't say yes out of pity." He says, no harshness in his voice only concern.

"I asked him to marry me." I say, even if it was in my own way, I was the one that asked.

I see a surprised look on his face, but it quickly resides and a smile creeps on his lips, "Good! Try to get me some rabbit then, next time you go hunting." He turns around and closes the door.

My tension disappears. He approves, and thought it's something I normally wouldn't care about he's the closes thing Peeta has to family, aside from me now.

I return home and say nothing to Peeta.

Our day goes by just as beautifully as our morning, and at night, after he makes love to me, passionate, tender, satisfying love I ask him, "What am I going to do if I wake up and this moment was just a dream."

He looks at me tenderly and says "Then I'll make love to you then and make it a reality."

I smile. "Peeta?"

"Yes Katniss?"

"You love me? Real or not real?"

He smiles and his eyes glisten "Real."

The End.


End file.
